Rebirth
by Josephine Martin
Summary: Complete. Reposted. BuffySpike centred. Takes place immediately after 'The Gift'. Spike finds a way to bring Buffy back, but can either of them be happy?
1. Chapter 1

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Rebirth

Disclaimer: The characters in this story do not belong to me. They belong to Joss Wheddon and Co. I just like to play with them.

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Part One – Tears

The sun had just set as he came out of his crypt. He did his nightly walk to her grave. As he approached, he saw a figure sitting with her arms around her knees. Dawn. He knew she visited often, but he hadn't seen her after dark before.

He approached silently, calling her name softly when he got close. She started out of her reverie, but smiled when she saw him. "Spike, I'm glad you came." He put on the sternest face he could and replied, "What are you doing here after dark? It's dangerous here. How can I look after you when you do stupid things like this?" She smiled. She wasn't taken in by his face. She knew he wasn't really angry. "I knew you'd come. You come here every night after the sun sets. I saw you today. You know, outside school. At least I saw your car."

He smiled ruefully. It was good to see her. It was always good to see her. "Yeah, well, I happened to be passing." She shook her head. "Every day – you happen to be passing every day as I arrive at school and as I'm leaving?" He looked at the ground. Embarrassed.

"Look, if you're going to tell me to stop, then forget it. I'm sorry if it cramps your style, but I promised your sister I'd protect you. Haven't done much of a job so far, but I'm not going to stop trying." 

He looked away from her face to the gravestone. She followed his gaze and for a few moments neither said anything. The she looked up. "Spike, I wasn't going to ask you to stop. I like seeing you there. It makes me feel ..... safe – less alone."

"What do you mean alone? You've got the whole gang there. Willow, Tara, Anya and whassisname, yeah and Giles too?" he asked. "They're all looking after you aren't they? The robot too."

"Yeah, well, they're all there. But Willow has Tara and Xander has Anya and Giles – well Giles is so strange these days. He keeps talking about going back to England. I feel like you're the only one I have left." Dawn rattled off the words, as if she'd been practising what she had to say. But at the end, she looked up at him and said, "Buffy was my whole family. I miss her so much." 

Spike ran a hand through his slicked back hair and crouched beside her on the grass. Awkwardly, he put a hand on her shoulder. She started to cry. "I know," he said. "I know you miss her. But remember, I'll always be here for you. You know that. I promised. I've done a lot of things in my life that she didn't approve of, but I've never broken a promise."

Dawn nodded and looked up. She saw there were unshed tears in his eyes too, which he hurried to rub away, muttering something about "grit in my eyes". 

They sat a while longer, without talking. After a while, she said, "I'd better go. They'll worry." "Just a minute." He stopped her. " I'll walk you back, but first there's something I need to tell you. I've got to go away for a while. I.."

She stood up, angry now. "What was that you just said about always being here? Always keeping your promises? You're just the same as the others. Buffy's gone but life goes on. I'll find my own way home." She started to run away, but Spike was faster. "You know, Niblet, you've got as quick a temper as Buffy. Just as quick to jump to conclusions," he said as he caught her by the arm. "If you had let me finish, you would have heard me asking you to come with me. It'll only be for a few days, but I can't protect you unless you're with me, can I? Of course, you can't tell Willow and the others. If Xander finds out I even suggested this, I'll be a pile of dust in no time. You understand?"

She stopped trying to get away. She nodded. "Yeah, I know. I won't tell anyone. Where are we going?"

Spike closed his eyes for a moment. How much should he tell her? Not all of it – not yet. He took a breath. He could smell Buffy – the scent that she always had. How could.....? He opened his eyes. "You smell just like her," he whispered. "Well," she replied, "Yeah, I started using her shampoo, her things. I like the smell. 'Specially when I'm alone, I can pretend she's close." She had tears in her eyes again. "You're the only one who noticed."

"Yeah, well, vampire – remember. We have better senses than you humans," he growled, although Dawn guessed the growl was to hide the fact that he was having problems speaking. She looked up at him quickly. "I'll stop though, if it makes you sad." He shook his head. "Don't you dare, Little Bit. If it helps you, then go ahead." 

He looked at his feet for a moment then straightened his shoulders. "Tomorrow's the last day of school isn't it?" he said, trying to sound more businesslike.

She nodded. "Right," he said. "Do you think you could pack a few things – a change of clothes and whatever? Something warm. Not too much, though, I don't want anyone to know you've gone until we're well away. We'll call them and let them know you're safe before they miss you." She nodded again. "Ok, I'll be outside school as usual. Just lose your friends and get in the car. I'll get everything else we need together." 

"Sure," she agreed. "Where are we going?" "I'll tell you tomorrow," he replied, putting a hand on her shoulder and propelling her gently along the path towards home. "Now, let's get you back."


	2. Chapter 2

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Chapter Two - Journey

She got into his car next day after school, grinned at him, and closed the door. "Any problems?" he asked.

"None. I pretended I forgot something and told my friends not to wait. So, where're we going?" Dawn was excited. 

"Where we're going isn't important. It's why." Spike looked determined about something.

Dawn frowned. "Ok, why're we going?"

Spike pursed his lips. "We're going t'get her back."

Dawn sat, stunned. "What? How? How? Willow's been researching and hasn't found a way."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "I suspected as much. Magic. It always has consequences. Never trust it, m'self." 

"Then how?" Dawn repeated, raising her voice.

"Gotta go and see some people. There's this legend, only it turns out maybe it's not a legend. If someone dies to save someone else, its like, you can put it right. You can get them back. Don't know all the details, but it is risky. That's why I'm doing this and you're just along for the ride. Understand?"

"But, I'm the one who should've died. I was the key. So, maybe, they'll take me." Dawn was whispering. 

"If that's the deal, then it doesn't happen. No way," Spike said firmly. 

Dawn was looking pale. "So, where do we go?" she asked.

Spike took a deep breath. "We drive north quite a way. We'll keep to back roads as much as we can in case the gang involve the police. The place we're going isn't technically in this world, so once we get to the portal, we should be safe." 

"How long?" Dawn asked. "I guess, some time tomorrow we'll reach the portal, then, maybe another day or two. I'm not sure how time works where we're going. I packed some sleeping bags, food, blood. Nothing fancy. I hope it's ok."

They continued to drive, mainly in silence, each busy with their own thoughts. 

Spike was picturing Dawn with Buffy. Remembering their arguments, their laughter. Remembering the time Buffy burst into his crypt to ask him to help him find Dawn, only to find her with him. She'd been so angry. But Dawn had said that day that she felt safe with Spike, and that made him smile inside even as he'd told her to "take that back". Funny, he'd always felt responsible for the Niblet – even before he'd made his promise. Buffy knew she could trust him with the people she cared about. She just didn't trust him with herself.

Dawn was remembering all the times she'd heard Buffy say things to Spike which had hurt him. He always did his best to hide the hurt, but she'd seen it in the way his eyes momentarily grew larger, before he managed to control his expression. She remembered the day Buffy died. When she got to the ground, there was Willow with Tara, Xander with Anya and Spike, on his own. He had his hands up at his face and his chest was heaving with sobs. Not one of them, not even she, had given him any comfort. But then he wouldn't have wanted any. She knew he blamed himself for her death. 

They stopped once to call Willow. Dawn made the call. "Don't try to follow us or stop us, Willow," she pleaded. "I'm safe. Buffy trusted Spike to keep me safe. I just have to spend some time with him. He's been so alone since she died." She hung up.

Willow called Tara and then phoned Xander and Giles. She explained the situation. Ten minutes later they were all at the Summers house. "Willow, have you called the police? That's the first step. And how about some magic? There's got to be some tracing spell you can use. I am so going to stake Spike when I see him. How could he do this to Dawn?" Xander exploded into the house.

The others were already there. "She wasn't afraid. She **wasn't,** when I spoke to her. She sounded determined about something. I also got the impression she wasn't telling me something, but she definitely wasn't worried. She was really keen that we don't follow her," said Willow.

"How can you say that? Dawn's been kidnapped by a homicidal maniac and you say she wasn't scared. He must have drugged her or something." Xander started pacing.

"No," said Giles, taking off his glasses. "Dawn's never been afraid of Spike. And, I've got to say, Dawn was right, Buffy trusted Spike to look after her, many times. As have we. Maybe we've got to trust him now." He sighed. "I can't believe I just said that, but I still think, we should wait a while before reacting. If we storm in now and Dawn was safe all the time, she's going to be very hurt that we didn't trust her. She hasn't really confided much in any of us since Buffy died, has she? And I suppose, we've all been too wrapped up in our grief to notice."

"She – she has been spending some time with Spike. A couple of times I saw her at the cemetery. I think Spike spends some time at Buffy's grave every night before patrol. Dawn mentioned seeing him there sometimes," Tara said, uncertain of how this information would be taken.

"Ok, we just sit tight for a few days and hope she'll be ok? Is that what we do?" demanded Xander. I can't believe you guys. I'm gonna..."

"Stop it, Sweetie," said Anya. "I think it'll be ok. Really. Spike's not gonna hurt Dawn. Let's go home and talk about it. You just need to calm down a bit."

Spike's car continued on the road for some time after dark before Spike found a remote spot to stop for the night. Dawn ate a little. She wasn't hungry. Spike got out two sleeping bags. One he put on the back seat of the car. "On you go, I know it's not what you're used to but you'll be safer in the car," he said.

"What about you?" she asked. "I'll be right outside. I'll lock you in," he said as he laid the second bag on the ground. "Get some sleep, we'll be on our way before dawn".

It was much later. Dawn wasn't sure what time, but still very dark. She wondered what had wakened her. Then she heard it again. It was Spike. He was making noises in his sleep. A nightmare, she guessed. Then she heard his scream. It was one word "Buffy", but said with so much anguish, she was taken back to that awful night, when she'd heard that scream before. Then the sobbing started. Dawn got out of her sleeping bag and opened the car door. She went to him. She remembered how no one comforted Spike that night. She couldn't leave him in his nightmare. She bent down and put one hand on his shoulder. She tried shaking him, trying to get him to wake up. He suddenly stiffened. "Buffy, Buffy, is that you?" He opened his eyes. "What are you doing? I told you to stay in the car!" he shouted.

"You were having a nightmare. I was trying to wake you," she shouted back, surprised by his anger." "You were dreaming about the night she died, weren't you?" she asked, more quietly.

He took a deep breath. "Yeah, pet, I was. You gave me such a scare. I'm sorry I shouted. It's just, remember I told you, you smelled just like her? Well, for a second, in the dream, I caught that smell and everything seemed even more real. I'm sorry."

"S'ok," Dawn gave him a half-hearted smile. "So, d'you have that dream often?" "Every night pet," he sighed, "Every bloody night."

Dawn got back into the car. She snuggled down as best she could into her sleeping bag. She listened carefully. She heard him crying now he thought she wouldn't hear. She cried too. She must have cried herself to sleep as the next thing she knew, Spike jumped into the car. The sun was coming up. "Judged that a bit close, didn't I?" he said with a grin. He seemed back to normal. Get yourself sorted, we gotta go."

Some time just after noon, they reached a landscape of scrub with cliffs in the distance. "That's where we're heading. Not much further, not in this world anyway." He drove the car off the road, picking up a piece of paper with some sort of instructions. "Drive due west," he said. "It would be west, wouldn't it." He sat as far back from the windscreen as he could.

They approached the entrance of a cave. "So, do we get out?" asked Dawn. "No, we drive straight in. We'll need the car on the other side." They drove in, and Spike slowed right down. Ahead was a misty veil. They drove into it and out the other side. Dawn's first impression was – grey. Everything was grey. There were no features in the landscape. Just grey ground and a grey sky. No, wait, way in the distance, there was something, like an impossibly high tower. "That's where we're going," Spike said, pointing ahead. 

The funny thing was, when night fell, they seemed no closer. The tower looked just the same. They slept as before. When Dawn woke in the night to the sound of Spikes sobs, she put her hands over her ears and tried to ignore them. Her face was wet when she woke next morning.

They travelled well into the next day, when at last, something changed. The tower seemed to be getting colour from somewhere. Now it looked like a coloured addition to a black and white photo. Spike carried on driving. Neither felt much like talking. Even after dark, the tower stood out now, as if it glowed somehow. "You ok to keep going, little bit?" he asked. "I guess it's not far now – I'd like to get this whole thing over with." 

"Yeah, me too. Spike. Do you really think we can bring her back?" she replied. 

"Don't know, pet, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Seems to me the best way I can protect you is to bring her back. I can keep you safe from monsters and such, but I can't protect you from people. I'm not just talking bad people. I'm talking, all those things to do with growing up. I can't help with those. Buffy can." He sighed.

"I'm pretty well grown up already, Spike," she replied. "I know you all think I'm a child, but Buffy killed her first vampire when she wasn't much older that me. I'll be ok," she replied indignantly.

Spike shook his head. "Dawn, when Buffy was out fighting vampires at sixteen, your mum was there, looking after the rest of her life. You need Buffy."

Dawn thought for a moment. "I know. I just don't like admitting it. Somehow, you've got a way of saying things that make me realise things about myself. I know Buffy felt the same way. She said you always told her the truth she didn't want to hear."

Spike thought about that. He smiled inside. He always did, whenever Dawn told him something Buffy had said about him. Even when it wasn't complimentary.

They drove on. Spike was tired. Every time he slept he had the same dream. His grief was wearing him out.

At last they reached the tower. As they pulled up, a man appeared at the doorway. "Come in, please, William, Dawn. You are expected," he said as he opened the door wide. Surprised, Spike and Dawn got out of the car and followed him inside. They were in a largish room which looked like a waiting room. "Welcome, the man continued. I am the Medium. The connection between this world and what lies beyond. How may we help you?"


	3. Chapter 3

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Chapter Three - Request

Spike frowned. "If you know who we are, then I'm sure you know what we want," he said.

"Well, yes, but the rules of this place require you to state your requirements," the Medium replied.

Spike took a deep breath. "We want her sister back." "I see," the Medium replied. "But the rule is quite clear. Only one person can make the request. Which of you will it be? There are some risks involved in all requests."

Spike stepped in front of Dawn. "I'm making the request. I want her sister back." The Medium closed his eyes, as if his attention was elsewhere. When he opened them, he said, "I'm afraid that is not possible. To call a soul back to the mortal realm requires another soul. You have no soul and cannot therefore bring her soul back."

Dawn stepped round Spike. "I'll do it. I'll make the request." "NO," shouted Spike. "No, Niblet. We discussed this. Any risks are mine." He turned to the Medium. "Is there no way round this? Is there no way I can make the request?"

"Well, there might be, let me consult." The medium closed his eyes again. It took several minutes this time. When he opened them again he said, "There is one way. You may not wish to consider it."

"Just tell me," growled Spike. 

"Well, we could give you your soul back first," was the reply.

Spike said nothing. He looked stunned. "A soul," he thought. "Like Angel." Aloud he said, "What's the deal? You can give me a soul? Is this the curse thing? One moment of happiness and the soul is gone?"

"Would that make a difference?" the medium asked.

Spike thought. "No, I want to go ahead. But I'd like to know what I'm getting myself into."

"Good," the Medium said. "If it had made a difference, if the soul were wanted for purely selfish reasons, we could not have proceeded. But, as it happens, your soul will be yours, and will not be lost due to happiness."

"Ok," Spike said. "What do I have to do?" 

"There are risks involved in any request. It is a requirement that you understand all the risks." intoned the Medium. 

"So tell me," said Spike. 

A table appeared in the middle of the room, three chairs around it. "Let's sit down, shall we?" the Medium said as he guided the others to the table. "We might as well be comfortable."

They sat down. "Now, regarding request one," the Medium began. "Your request for the return of your soul. Souls often make their own conditions for return. They often insist on experiencing everything the body has experienced since they were separated. Well, not exactly that. You are a vampire, yes?"

Spike nodded.

"Would I be correct in thinking that you have hurt a number of people in time since you lost your soul?

"You said it. I'm a vampire. Of course I've hurt people. Lots of them," Spike growled again, looking away from Dawn. He no longer liked her to think about that side of him.

"I see," the Medium continued, "I suspect your soul will require that you feel the pain of your victims."

Dawn looked shocked. "Spike, no. No, you can't do this," she cried.

"I can, pet," he replied. "What else?" he turned back to the medium.

"It may not work, your soul might refuse to return. If it does return, it might decide to leave again immediately, in which case you would die."

"Already dead," Spike pointed out.

"Sorry, poor choice of words. You would cease to exist," stated the Medium. 

Spike turned to Dawn. "I know pet, I don't want to leave you. But I've got to risk it." He turned back to the Medium. "Go on."

"As to the second request. That also carries a risk. Your soul will summon back the lost soul. It may respond. If it does it will reside in your body until it can be reconciled to its own vessel. It may be that the lost soul will call your soul more strongly, in which case your soul will join that of Miss Summers, and you will cease to exist."

"Not much chance of that," muttered Spike. "As if the Slayer would want my soul for company for eternity. Anything else?"

"Yes, one more thing. If we are successful, both your soul and the lost soul will be trapped in your body. There have been instances when a lost soul has refused to leave its host. The eventual result of having two souls in one body is often insanity."

Spike looked at the table, then up at the Medium. "I'll do it. I request the return of my soul and the return of Buffy Summers."

A huge voice resounded in the room. "Request accepted!" 

"No, Spike. You can't do this. I can't lose you too," sobbed Dawn.

"I'm afraid, your friend couldn't back out now, even if he wanted to," the Medium replied. "The request has been accepted."

"You will have to stay here, Miss Summers. If you need anything, it will be provided. This may take some time," said the Medium, and he and Spike disappeared.

Alone now, Dawn put her head on the table and cried. She cried for Buffy. She cried for herself. But mainly she cried because she was sure she'd never see Spike again. When she looked up, she was surprised to see there was a bed in the corner of the room. She realised she was tired, so tired. She threw herself onto the bed and was asleep in seconds.

Spike found himself in a dark place. There was no light. He knew something was there with him. He felt terror, then pain as fangs ripped into his neck, draining his lifeblood.

Dawn awoke, she felt hungry and looked over to the table. It was laid for one – a take-away pizza box, a plate and a glass of cola. She got up, spotted a sink that hadn't been there before, and used it to freshen her face. She sat at the table and started to eat. She knew the pizza was good, but it still tasted like cardboard.

Spike could no longer think coherently. With every bite, every punch, every slash he endured he fell further into a pit of pain. He wasn't even sure of who he was any more. There was just a face in his mind. Blonde hair, green eyes.

A long time later, the Medium returned. "What happened? Is Spike ok?" Dawn stammered.

"He is still with us. But, I can't say he's ok. William has suffered a great deal. In fact, to him, a very long time has passed. But he is with us. And he has his soul."

"Can I see him?" whispered Dawn.

Immediately the waiting room disappeared and she seemed to be in a hospital. There was a bed in the room. She went over to look. "Spike!" she gulped. She couldn't recognise him. Everything she could see was broken, bruised or cut. His eyes flickered. "Little Bit, that you?" His voice was a whisper. "Yes, Spike, I'm here." "Did it. First part. Got soul," he rasped.

Dawn turned to the Medium. "When does he do the next bit? Can he wait? He's so weak."

"No, Miss Summers, it must be done immediately," he replied.

Instantly, Dawn found herself back in the waiting room. She needed to talk to someone. She thought, "If only I could talk to someone – Willow or Tara." No sooner had she thought this than she heard a voice in her mind.

It was Tara. "Dawn, is that you? Are you ok? Where are you?"

"Tara," she replied in her mind. "Can you hear me?"

"Yes," came the answering thought. Dawn started to tell Tara what had happened, but it was too fast, too chaotic. Tara couldn't understand. 

"Slow down, Dawn," soothed Tara. "Take your time. Are you ok?" 

Dawn took a deep breath. "I'm ok. It's Spike, Tara, I think he's going to die! I'm so scared he's going to die."

Three faceless people stood over Spike's hospital bed. They held hands. How he could see them with his eyes closed, Spike couldn't work out. But just trying not to pass out was taking everything he had, so he stopped worrying. Even through closed eyes, he became aware of a light above him. He opened his eyes a little and saw a bright silver disc above him. He stared, fascinated. The three faceless people started to chant. It didn't seem to be a language he understood. He became aware of another presence in the room. "The way is now open. Call the lost soul to you." The voice resonated through his being. It seemed to come from everywhere at once.

Spike closed his eyes again and with all the strength he had left called on Buffy with his mind. "Buffy, come to me, please, it's Spike. Dawn needs you. She needs you so much. Come to me, please!" As he repeated these thoughts over and over again, he felt a touch on his mind - almost as if some ghostly hand touched him, trying to make sure he was who he claimed to be. "Buffy, is that you? Please, come back, Dawn needs you."

"And you?" the ghost seemed to be asking.

"Me too," he thought back, more gently. "Yeah, I miss you too."

"But I feel so safe and warm here," the thought came back. At that instant, the light above disappeared, and Spike, his last energy spent, drifted thankfully into unconsciousness.

Dawn felt a little better after her talk with Tara, but not much. It seemed an endless wait, but at last the Medium returned. "It is over," he stated. Her head snapped up. "What happened. Is Spike alive? Did he call her soul back?" 

"To the first question, yes, William is still alive, he still has his soul. But he is very weak. To the second question, I'm afraid I do not know for sure. The opening collapsed quite suddenly. I fear there was not enough time. And your friend immediately lapsed into unconsciousness," came the reply.

"Can I see him?" breathed Dawn.

The room around her immediately shimmered and changed. It now seemed exactly like a hotel suite. She was in a bedroom. On the bed lay Spike, still broken and bleeding, but very still. She ran to him. 

Spike's eyes twitched. "I feel safe here, too," a thought flickered through his mind. His mouth moved to reply. "You take that back!"

"Spike, Spike, did you say something?" asked Dawn. But whatever it was, was gone. She looked at his face. She hardly recognised him. She pulled a chair up to the bed and sat on it to wait.


	4. Chapter 4

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Chapter Four – Sharing

It was a long time before Spike was conscious of anything. The first thing he knew, was the pain returning. At first it seemed distant. Then he felt something else. He wasn't alone here. There was another presence in him. He remembered. "Buffy, is that you?" he asked. 

"Yeah, I'm here. You hurt," came the soft reply.

With a major effort, Spike took the pain and shut it off in a corner of his mind. "No point in sharing that," he thought. 

After a while, Spike reckoned he had enough control to try opening his eyes. Very slowly, things came into focus. The first thing he saw was Dawn, curled up on a chair close to his bed. She was asleep. He was sure he hadn't moved, hadn't made a sound, but she suddenly snapped awake. "Spike, Spike, are you ok? I've been so scared I'd lost you too. It doesn't matter if you can't bring Buffy back. I just need..." It all became too much. She started to sob. 

Spike wanted so much to put his arm around her; to quiet her tears, but moving was simply not an option. Then, the strangest thing happened. His lips moved, and he heard his voice. But it wasn't like the way he remembered his voice. It had an American accent. "Hey, Dawn," it said. 

"What, who did that?" he said. Now **that** sounded like his voice.

But Dawn had stopped crying. She was looking at him incredulously. "B..B..Buffy," she stammered. "Was that you?"

"Yeah, Little Bit, she's here. I can feel her. Didn't know she could talk like that, though." Spike's voice was quiet, almost reverent. 

Dawn fell on Spike, trying to hug him, but he cried out in pain, temporarily changing to his demon face as he tried to protect himself from the pain her touch caused him. She drew back, "Sorry, sorry Spike, I'm just so happy." 

That voice, the one that was Spike, and yet wasn't him, answered. "I'm here, Dawn. But Spike's in a lot of pain. Even with his healing powers, it'll take a while. He's doing his best to make sure I don't feel it though. But sometimes, he loses control, like just now, and I know just how it feels. Let us rest a while."

Dawn got up, found another bedroom and fell down on the bed to cry herself to sleep. Except they were happy tears now.

Buffy was exploring. Spike was so wrapped up in the pain and not letting it out, that she was able to have a good "look round" without him getting in the way. She started by looking at his recent memories. She found what had happened to enable him to have his soul back. She didn't dwell on that. She didn't know what to think about it. He had suffered so much. He had suffered for her and for Dawn.

She relived his memories of the night she died. She remembered him telling her that he loved her, but she had never believed it. Not really believed it. I mean, she had reasoned, without a soul, what he calls love, can't be real. But now she knew she had been wrong. She recognised his feelings for her as being as real and true as anyone could want. And she was ashamed of all the times she had thrown his feelings back at him. Used him when it was convenient – when some extra muscle was needed, or when she needed someone to look after her family.

But to her amazement, she also knew that he understood the way he'd been treated. Despite his apparent arrogance and self-importance, he really felt that it was all worthwhile if he got to spend some time with her. The arrogant, self-confident attitude she remembered didn't mesh with these thoughts. Buffy began to realise just what a complicated person Spike was. 

Now she was up to date, she started to explore the extent of his injuries. There was hardly a bone left unbroken, he had lost a lot of blood, and his healing power seemed to be held back, somehow. She would have to think about that. In the meantime, she opened his eyes and spoke to Dawn. "Dawn, he needs some blood, can you get him some? You'll have to try to get him to drink it somehow. He's buried off in a corner of his mind, and he's not thinking very straight."

Dawn jumped up to get the blood. It came from the fridge, but by the time she brought it back, it was already blood heat.

Buffy took control of Spike's body as Dawn helped him up a bit. He drank the blood and slumped back down. "Eeuugh, that has got to be the grossest experience of my life," moaned the voice that wasn't Spike. And despite everything, Dawn laughed. 

Buffy continued to explore. She concentrated on a single broken bone. To her surprise, she felt some energy leave her essence and the bone began to heal. She moved to another injury, and another. He wasn't healing instantaneously, but the effect was quite noticeable. She tried something different. She concentrated on his body as a whole and felt the healing energy radiate from her to every part of him. She felt a general relaxation in his body as the pain lessened.

Dawn found the next couple of days a trial. She was so happy and she wanted to talk, but Spike needed sleep. He needed time to heal. She spent some more time communicating with Tara, and that helped a little. Three days after the end of the ordeal, Spike woke up and managed to pull himself up to sitting. He looked so tired, so pale, but the injuries were obviously healing. He smiled at her. "How about some blood, pet?" he asked. "Don't worry if it's cold, I just need to eat now." 

She jumped up, happy to have something to do. "Don't worry, it's cold when it comes from the fridge, but by the time I get back, it's quite warm." 

"How do you know that?" he asked, puzzled. 

"Buffy and I've been feeding you regularly. She said you were too far out of it to notice." 

"Did she now?" he smiled. It was nice to think the sisters had been looking after him. 

"Yeah," said Spike's other voice. "And you've got to believe I didn't enjoy it one bit. I mean, drinking blood.... Eeuugh! So, if you don't mind, I'm going to hide for a bit while you drink that. Then, if you're up to it, we should have a chat."

While Spike ate, Buffy did some thinking. It was the strangest thing she'd ever experienced. She was inhabiting a body that wasn't hers. It was so different. Aside from the fact that it was a **dead** body, it was a man's body. Now that was interesting. In common with most people, she'd often wondered what it felt like to be the opposite sex, but now she had a good idea. She resisted the idea of experimenting a bit – at least until his body had healed. She felt Spike's energy levels increase and realised he had finished his meal.

"Miss me?" she asked. 

"More than you know," came the internal reply. 

Dawn shouted, "Of course I missed you, Buffy. It's been so hard without you. If it hadn't been for Spike, I don't know how I'd have coped. Y'know, he checked I got to school every day, and made sure I got home afterwards. And he let me talk about you, even though it upset him. I was so scared when I knew he might die trying to bring you back. I don't know what I'd have done if I'd lost him too!"

Spike looked embarrassed. His other voice answered, "One advantage of being in here with him is that I can share his memories. I know how much he's done, and I really am grateful."

There was a strange quality to the voice. Almost as if Buffy was amazed by what she had discovered.

"Ok, you two. You Summers women always talk too much. It's bad enough normally, but one of you even has control of my voice now, so I can hardly get a word in edgeways! Listen, don't get the idea I've gone soft, cos I haven't. Anything I did was for purely selfish reasons." Spike growled with something like his old, cocky attitude.

"Yeah," smiled Dawn, "You're the most selfish person I've ever met." She leaned forward and gave him a huge hug, which Spike returned, although, he wasn't sure which occupant of the body was responsible for that!

Buffy felt Spike's response to the hug. While she moved his arms to hug her sister, she sensed him holding back, not wanting to get too close. Then she noticed the familiar scent. "She smells like I used to," she thought to Spike.

"I know," Spike thought back and tried to close the connection between them. "You really did love me, didn't you Spike?"

"Told you often enough," he managed to make the thought seem menacing.

"I know," Buffy thought back, sadly, "I guess I just didn't want to believe. It was easier to think it wasn't real. I'm sorry, Spike, I really am. I didn't treat you very well." 

"Listen, Slayer, you treated me better than I deserved. But, look, we'll get you back home, back into your body, then, if you like, I'll leave town. Don't want you worrying about my feelings any more," Spike sounded like he was making a speech he'd planned.

"Let's just take things one at a time," Buffy thought back. Despite his attempts to hide the fact, it was painfully obvious to Buffy that he loved her more that ever. And she could no longer deny that she cared for him. And she was pretty sure the soul didn't make a lot of difference.


	5. Chapter 5

****

Chapter Five – Return

Next day, Spike felt well enough to drive. He was still in a lot of pain, but Buffy was helping with the healing, and he was doing pretty well. Oddly enough, as soon as the decision had been made, they found themselves in the car, just outside the cave where the portal was. "Looks like it won't take so long to get back, Niblet," Spike quipped. "We should stop and call the gang, I s'pose. How long've we been gone? I kind of lost track. They'll be frantic."

"I spoke to Tara a couple of times," Dawn remembered suddenly. So much else had happened, she had forgotten. 

"What? How?" he asked. 

"Well, when I needed to talk to someone, suddenly her voice was in my head. That's how that place worked. If you needed something, it was there."

"Look, when you call, try to get some idea of whether I'll end up a pile of dust when we get back. I mean it's not just me now. Buffy's here too, and we need to get her back where she belongs."

The call was made, and Dawn reported that they had been gone a week. "Seemed a lot longer than that to me," muttered Spike. Xander was not happy, but Tara and Willow seemed willing to wait and see how things turned out, and were trying to persuade him to do the same. He didn't believe Buffy's soul was now resident in Spike's body.

As they settled down to sleep that night, Dawn in the car, and Spike outside, Buffy took the opportunity to have a good think at Spike. "Thanks for looking after her," she started. "She's had a hard time, lately. She obviously thinks you're a cross between a knight in shining armour and a big brother." 

"Just keeping my promise, Slayer," he answered. "Didn't keep it too well the night you died, but did my best after." 

"Spike, one advantage of being in here with you is that you can't lie to me without me knowing. You really care about Dawn. You always did – even before the promise." 

"Sooner we get you back in your body, the better," Spike's mental growl made Buffy laugh. Soon, he was laughing too. Minutes later he was asleep.

When the nightmare came, Buffy gently took his thoughts and wrapped him in the safety she felt. That night he didn't cry.

As the car pulled up outside the Summers house, Giles and the rest of the gang crowded out into the street. Someone - Tara, even thought to bring a blanket for Spike. Dawn was welcomed into their midst with so much noise and so many questions that at first Spike stood in the doorway, ignored.

At last Giles noticed him and pulled him aside. "What's been going on? If you've abused our trust in any way....."

Giles didn't finish his threat because Spike's other voice said "Hey, Giles. Lovely welcome." 

Giles went pale and started to speak but Spike broke in.

"She's in here, mate. Her soul, her awareness, part of me." 

"And you'd better believe he's not hurt Dawn in any way, Giles," his voice continued with Buffy's accent. Giles found the nearest chair and dropped into it. Over the noise of the welcome party some of this exchange had penetrated to the rest of the gang. Everyone went quiet. 

"Hey, guys, it's me. I'm back. Lookin' a little different, but I'm all here," Buffy continued. Suddenly they all started talking at once. 

"Of all the con artist!" blustered Xander. "This is so like him, pretend that the Buffster's there so he can avoid what's coming." Willow and Tara sat stunned, excitedly wondering if it could all be true.

"Ok, let's have the whole story, and I mean the **whole** story," Giles interrupted the discussion. "Dawn, I want to hear it from you."

It took Dawn a little while to finish. "So, we've got Buffy's soul trapped in Spike's body and we need to put it back where it belongs." 

"And you really believe that, do you Dawn?" Giles questioned gently. 

"Sure I do. I've talked to her," she replied using that tone of voice which implies that the question is utterly stupid.

Giles turned to Spike. "Anything you'd like to add?" He was not being so gentle now. 

Spike's own voice answered, "Seems Little Bit has covered pretty much all of it." He shrugged.

The other voice continued, "I know you don't really trust Spike, but I really am here. I've got access to all his memories, and the only thing I see he's leaving out is how much he's suffered to make this happen." 

"Doesn't look too bad to me," growled Xander. "Maybe we ought to do something about that? He always did look better with a black eye or two."

Giles could see that things could easily get out of hand. And despite what Xander said, Spike was swaying, looking as if ready to fall over. "Stop!" he yelled. "Dawn appears to be safe and happy. Let's just assume for the moment that this is all true. How do we get Buffy back into her own body?"

Dawn looked puzzled. "Spike, they never told us, did they?" 

"No," replied the other voice, "they didn't tell you or Spike. That knowledge is mine if and until I choose to share it." 

"Whaddya mean, **if** you choose to share it?" Spike's own voice asked. 

"I mean, I feel good in here. I'm safe, I'm happy. I need to readjust to being back. I don't think the body of a Slayer is the best way to do that," Buffy replied honestly.

At that point, Spike's knees buckled and he hit the floor. "Quick," called Dawn, "help me. Let's get him up to Buffy's room. He keeps saying he's ok, but he obviously isn't yet." 

"**Buffy's** room?" started Xander, but one look from Giles stopped him.

Some time later, Spike realised where he was. Someone had even thoughtfully made sure that sunrise shouldn't be a problem. "S'nice to be home," a sleepy thought came his way from his mind's other occupant. Spike had to admit, he wasn't too unhappy about things himself.


	6. Chapter 6

****

Chapter 6 - Separation

Over the next few weeks, the gang gradually started to accept Buffy's presence. It was still obvious to Spike that they considered him to be an outsider. It saddened him because he believed that without their support, Buffy could never admit to loving him. And yet when he explored her consciousness, he got part ideas and thoughts that suggested that she did care about him. He was sure she was shielding that part of her though - maybe just so as not to hurt him further while she was in residence. Buffy, however, was only too aware of how Spike felt. He had been open about his feelings for so long, he couldn't hide them now. It made Buffy feel warm and safe and loved. And she knew she wouldn't feel that way when she reverted to her own body. Then she'd have to decide how much she cared for Spike and whether the opinion of her friends was as important as it had been before.

Patrolling was interesting. She had Spike's physical strength, but she also had her attitude and her style of doing things. The first time Spike changed and let his demon loose, Buffy felt completely overwhelmed. They were attacked by three vampires at once, and although the fight started with human Spike in control, he quickly realised he had to give rein to the demon. She felt it come to the fore, experienced the enhanced senses which came along with the change and revelled in the total absence of conscience. The next few minutes passed in a complete blur. Afterwards she could remember no details, but the exhilaration of fighting with the demon in control remained. She was stunned. When he reverted, Spike gently sought out Buffy's presence; half-afraid she would be revolted by what she had seen. "Is it always like that?" she asked him.

"More or less," he replied.

"How do you get back in control?"

"S'not easy, love. I've had a bit of practice. And I'm really not fond of having my head feel like someone used an axe on it. That's a bit of an incentive."

"Some vampires always seem to be in game face. Is that because they can't control it?" Buffy questioned. "Especially the newly risen ones. I've never seen one of those not in game face. Of course, a Slayer in the locality might account for that." 

"Yeah," Spike thought back. "Some vampires never control the demon. Some never try. I found early on, it's a better unlife if you have both. As a demon, it's all about feeding, hurting and killing. When the demon's subdued you can enjoy other things."

The next time Spike reverted to demon face while they were fighting, Buffy knew what to expect. This time, she tried to control the bloodlust, but Spike gently pushed her mentally. "Don't, Buffy," he warned her. "You're just throwing me off balance. I can control it when I need to."

A few minutes later he proved that, when, after staking the last vampire in the group, a man suddenly appeared from behind a headstone and ran. Buffy felt the demon respond to the 'food' signals Spikes senses were receiving. She felt the effort of will he had to use to return to human face and remain where he was, instead of giving chase. 

When the patrol was finished, Spike suggested a trip out. "Dawn's with the wiccas," he reasoned. "And there's something I'd really like to do tonight."

Buffy agreed, intrigued. Spike was shielding what he intended, and she didn't try to get beyond the barrier he had erected. Spike retrieved his car and headed out of Sunnydale. After an hour, he pulled off the main road and headed up into the hills. The road was narrow and obviously not well used. Twenty minutes later they came to the top of a hill. Spike parked the car and got out, walking into the darkness. Ahead was a view of the ocean. It was beautiful. Buffy felt Spike's body relax to the sound of waves hitting the rocks below. He found a grassy patch and lay down with his hands under his head, looking at the stars. "Like it?" he asked her. 

Buffy was delighted. "Never knew this was here," she answered.

"Well, s'not well known. I come here sometimes when I want a bit of peace." 

He lay there for some time, listening and stargazing. After a while they heard another car.

The second car pulled up, but no one got out. They both realised together that it probably contained a couple looking for some time alone. As he lay looking at the stars, Buffy asked Spike if he could change to demon face. "I've only felt it while we're fighting. I'd like to look at the stars through his eyes. I'd like to ... understand how it feels."

Spike mentally agreed and his face changed. He concentrated on not thinking about the 'food' in the second car, and suddenly became aware that Buffy was embarrassed. Listening carefully, he was now only too aware of what the couple in the car were up to, and he quickly returned to human visage to save Buffy's face. Buffy noticed that Spike had noticed what was going on by another means. Spike tried to subdue the arousal he felt, but Buffy intervened. 

"No, Spike, please," she asked, "I'd like to know how it feels – as a man." The thought of her wanting to be a part of it heightened his need and he walked uncomfortably back to the car. A little later, Buffy felt his pleasure.

Over the weeks, Buffy learned to come to terms with the demon side of Spike. She admired the way he could control it. She doubted she would have been able to. She was intrigued by one thing – which she asked Spike about on the way back from patrol one night. "Why do I get a picture of a very irritated looking Slayer when you try to subdue the demon?"

Buffy felt Spike's lips curl into a smile as he thought back at her, "It's just as effective as the chip and a lot less painful. I just imagine how you'd look at me if I went back to killing. I've seen that look of disgust on your face – I just don't want it directed at me again."

The rest of the journey home involved a great deal of banter about whether she could ever make the face Spike had created in his mind.

Buffy knew she had to move on with her life soon. She had been with Spike for four weeks. She tried to sort out her feelings for him, but found she was very confused. She thought about her past. She thought about Angel and how she'd loved him. It had hurt her so much when he left even though she now knew he had made the right decision. Then there was Riley. She had cared a great deal about him. She had tried so hard to love him – she'd even convinced herself for a while – but she hadn't convinced him and so he had left her too. He was her one chance at a 'normal' life and she had failed. That didn't really help with how she felt about Spike. She knew she cared very much about him. She knew that life with him would never be normal. She didn't really believe he'd stay. No one else had. Spike was aware of all this and revelled in the knowledge of how much she cared for him while still being saddened that he knew he could never supply some vestige of normality.

Spike shared his feelings with Buffy too. She already knew he loved her. The depth of that love was so obvious she could have no doubt. Buffy could feel the obsessiveness Spike had had about Slayers. That was how it had started with her. He had come to Sunnydale simply to make her his third slayer victim. That changed slightly when he first saw her. He still wanted to kill her, but from that time he had wanted her too. Then he had been chipped. For a while he had needed the Scoobies. They had chained him up until he convinced them he was safe. From then he spent a lot of time with the gang. And that was the beginning of the love he felt now. It had built over a long time. It was no longer just a physical attraction – he just loved everything about her. He didn't even realise what was happening until he was in so far he could do nothing to save himself.

The decision to resurrect Buffy's body was made in the end by Dawn. They were sitting, one Sunday afternoon, Dawn listening to some music. Spike was reading. Dawn was obviously restless and said "Hey, Buffy, I wish we could go to the park, walk along the beach, whatever. It's such a lovely day." That caused Spike a spasm of guilt, because he was the reason they couldn't go. The other voice chipped in, "Let's get the gang together, 'cos I think it's time this Slayer could go out in the daytime." As she said it, she added a comforting thought to Spike. "Sorry, it's not your fault. I'm gonna miss this closeness."

"Yeah, me too," he replied sadly.

It was midnight at the cemetery. They had dug up Buffy's coffin. It lay unfastened, but none of them wanted to look inside. "Let's do this," Spike's other voice demanded. She started to chant, and the others eerily picked up the chant and continued. Spike felt her being dragged away from him and he fell to his knees. Even though this was the whole point of what he had gone through, he really didn't want her to go. The lid of the coffin moved. Giles stepped forward and helped Buffy out. "Boy, this seems strange. Look, I'm a woman again!" she quipped. Dawn looked at the scene. She was surprised how much it looked like the scene when Buffy died. Anya and Xander, Willow and Tara, Giles in tears – and Spike looking completely broken and alone. Well, she wouldn't ignore him this time. She started to walk towards him, but someone else got there first. It was Buffy. She had ignored the gang as they tried to hug her. She walked straight to Spike and pulled him back to his feet. There were tears in his eyes. Then she realised her eyes had gone misty too. She looked into his eyes and he seemed to understand that though they no longer shared one body, there was still a bond between them.


	7. Chapter 7

****

Chapter 7 - Aftermath

Everyone was trying to talk at once. There were tears, laughter and too many words for any sense to be made. Without realising it, Buffy still held Spike's hand as they approached the centre of the group.

"Whoa, people, I know there's a lot we need to talk about, but it's late. We can get together tomorrow and.... whatever," Buffy sounded tired. "Yeah, let's get home," Xander responded, looking at the still-linked hands. "I guess we need to put some effort into putting things back the way they were, and that's probably not best done in a cemetery."

Spike pulled his hand away from Buffy. "Yeah, I'd better get back to the crypt. I've left it too long anyway."

Buffy put out a hand to stop him, but Dawn was quicker. "No, Spike, don't go back to the crypt, you'll need some time to get used to things again. Come back, we can make you up a bed in the basement." 

He looked at Buffy. "Yeah, come back, Spike. I don't think you should be alone just now," she added. He didn't reply, just nodded, but Buffy saw his shoulders relax and knew he hadn't been looking forward to a night in an empty crypt.

Xander opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it. He moved towards Giles, saying quietly, "I think, maybe, a pre-meeting would be a good idea. You know, without, Buffy, Dawn and Spike. We need to find some way of prying Spike out of this."

Giles nodded, "I'll try to set it up."

He'd slept in more comfortable places – especially recently – but the Summers basement wasn't bad. At least Spike didn't have to worry about sunrise. He felt so alone – bereft. It was different to when she'd died. Then he felt grief, guilt, and the whole gamut of feelings he didn't enjoy, but at least understood. Now, he should be feeling joy. He had brought her back. Dawn had her sister back. But all he felt was alone – as if part of him was missing.

"I'll leave it a few days," he thought, "then I've got to get out of here. I've got to get away from Sunnydale. If Buffy's even feeling half as confused as I am just now, then the best thing I can do is get the hell out of her life for a while." He knew what he'd decided was sensible, but that didn't help him sleep.

Upstairs, Dawn had eventually left Buffy to go to her own room. Buffy was tired – strange when you consider that her body hadn't actually been busy lately. "Obviously emotional stress," she thought. Despite feeling tired, Buffy just couldn't sleep. Strange, when she was dead, she had been in a good place. She had been happy; she'd felt safe. Safe – hardly a feeling that she'd noticed a lot as the Slayer. Then she'd felt Spike calling to her. She'd been intrigued, had reached through the opening and listened to his thoughts. She'd seen how he cared about Dawn and how she was the reason he was calling to her. She'd gone in closer, to try to understand what was happening and been engulfed in a warmth and safety almost as great as where she was. She was surprised and in that instant lost her connection with the other place. 

Still, the weeks she'd spent in Spike's body had been interesting. A bit like a holiday before starting a big job. But now, she had to take on her responsibilities and calling. It felt so strange not to have Spike in her thoughts. She missed him. She felt so alone. She gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs. "Maybe I could watch some TV," she reasoned. 

As she reached the sofa, she turned round and saw Spike come in too. "Let me guess," she smiled at him, "you couldn't sleep either?" A smile and a nod were his reply. "Well," she asked, "how does some cocoa and TV sound?" 

"Good," he started towards the kitchen. 

"Hey, I'll make it," she protested, "I mean, ...." She had been about to point out that he was a guest, but stopped herself. He'd been living here for weeks like a family member – it didn't seem fair to point that out now. Instead she nodded, "OK, thanks."

She sat on the sofa, way to one side and started flicking channels on the TV remote. Spike returned with two mugs and sat at the opposite side of the sofa. Buffy found an old film she enjoyed and turned to ask it that was ok to find Spike staring at her. He looked away, embarrassed. "It's just..... been a long time since I've seen you. I mean, you've been in here," he pointed at his head, but I still only had memories of how you looked." 

"Pretty mixed bunch of memories from what I can remember," she smiled at him, "but on the whole, complementary, so that's ok." 

He looked serious. "D'you suppose we'll ever feel ourselves again?" he asked. 

"I hope so," she replied. "Maybe not the same as before, but a new 'ourselves'."

She turned her gaze back to the TV, not really paying attention. Next morning, Dawn found the TV still on and the two of them slumped towards the middle of the sofa, Buffy's head on Spike's shoulder. She smiled and got herself ready for school. Willow and Tara also noticed the situation, but felt less inclined to smile.


	8. Chapter 8

****

Chapter Eight – Questions

Later, at the Magic Box, Giles, Anya and Xander were sitting at the research table sipping coffee when Willow and Tara walked in. In contrast with last night, voices were quiet. Giles took off his glasses to clean them and cleared his throat. "I called you here because I...." he looked as Xander, "because we think there could be problems. You all know what Dawn told us about what Spike did to bring Buffy back, but we have to consider the possibility that it's not all true. And even if it is, in her currently vulnerable state, it's possible that Spike might use her gratitude to get closer to her." He moved to a flip chart he'd set up to one side. "I've summarised what we were told." He pointed to the first page. It read:

Buffy's Return

Spike has regained his soul – suffering victims' pain

Buffy's soul and awareness - resident in Spike's body

He continued, "How can we check the veracity of these points – I mean the second seems more likely after last night – but I'm by no means certain. And the first part – there must be a way to find out for sure? Has Spike got his soul back? Any ideas?"

"W.we could check for some sort of a spell to find out if Spike has a soul," Tara began. "Yeah," continued Willow, I'm sure I came across something when Angel went bad. I'll check."

"What about the rest – do we accept, for the moment that the first part is true? Buffy obviously believes it – so does Dawn, but there are ways to alter memories..." continued Giles. 

Xander stood up. "The most urgent thing is to make sure Spike doesn't use this whole thing to worm his way closer to Buffy. I don't like that they invited him back there last night." He looked at Willow. "Any problems last night?" 

Tara looked at Willow. "W.well, no, no problems. It's just, when we left this morning; they were on the sofa together, asleep. I ... I mean, just as if they'd been watching TV and nodded off - no sign of anything else." Tara looked at her feet under the table. She knew Xander would make more of this than it deserved. 

"So, what do we do?" said Xander. "She's not been back a day yet and already he's trying to....."

"Listen," said Giles. "I'll have a chat to Buffy later. **On my own.** I'll try to remind her of her vulnerability, make sure she doesn't do anything she'll regret later. And I'll try to get more information about where her soul was. It might help us understand what's been going on. Maybe she has a name for this place Spike and Dawn visited – if she has, I can see if there are records"

"Good," said Xander as he gave Anya a goodbye kiss. "I'd better get to work, but let me know as soon as we can prove Spike's been up to his usual conniving tricks, then I'll go and stake him. Err.. we do know that the chip's still functioning, don't we?" The others looked at him and shrugged. "Interesting that hasn't been mentioned, isn't it?" Xander said as he left the shop.

At the Summers house, Buffy woke realising she had a stiff neck. She raised a hand to rub it and saw she wasn't alone. "Oh," she said. "We were watching that film and..."

"Yeah," Spike smiled, "I guess we were both tired after all." He got up and stretched. "I'd better get back to the crypt. I'll just grab some blood and go." He headed for the kitchen. 

"Ok," called Buffy after him, "you probably should check on it. Where's your blanket?" 

Spike came in, picked it up from the top of the weapons chest and smiled. "See you," he quipped as he ran towards the nearest manhole cover.

Buffy went to the kitchen and started to put some breakfast together. It was funny how she'd been completely unable to sleep upstairs, yet within minutes of sitting on the sofa with Spike, she'd been out. She hadn't even drunk her cocoa. Neither had Spike, she noticed, pouring the contents of two mugs into the sink.

Spike got back to his crypt and flopped in his favourite chair. "What was that last night? Why was it sleep came so easily on the sofa?" Spike thought to himself. "I'm more in love with her than ever," he realised. "But, that doesn't mean she loves me. I think she cares a bit, but she doesn't love me." Another voice cut across these thoughts, "After what you went through for her, the least she could do is fall for you," but he cut off that thought. "No, if she doesn't love me for what I am, then it couldn't last. But, she might persuade herself that she loves me at the moment – if she's missing me half as much as I miss her in my head. Bloody hell," he realised, "I've got to get away. I've got to let her get her life sorted out, without me in the way. And the sooner the better." Spike started to plan a getaway. The problem was, his first reaction, "Just get on your bike and go," wasn't going to work. In all the years since he'd been changed, he'd had a vampire's attitude to possessions – you don't need much and what you do need, you take. He suddenly realised he wasn't happy with that attitude any more. "Oh, yeah," he remembered. "I've got a soul now, and with it the same overactive conscience I had as a human. Funny, got used to not hurting humans, never had any problem with robbing them. Now, it just didn't seem right. Ok, then, revert to plan B – but that'll take a few days to arrange."

Later that day, Willow thumped her hand on the table in the Magic Box. "That's it, I knew I'd seen a spell to identify a soulless creature. It's here – quite simple really. We don't even need Spike, just something from him – a hair – or something – shouldn't be too difficult." Tara smiled, "That's my girl." "C'mon," said Willow getting up. If we hurry, we can get this sorted in minutes."

Back at the Summers house, Willow was relieved to find Buffy and Dawn still out. She rushed to Buffy's room to find some of Spike's clothes. He didn't have a lot, but he'd left a few things around while he'd apparently been body sharing. She picked up a t-shirt. The two witches retired to their own room and Tara gathered the ingredients needed. "So, how does this work?" she asked. "Look, the incantation is there," Willow laid the book open on the floor. "We make a sand circle like this," she lifted the t-shirt and removed a short bleached hair which she placed in the centre of a sand circle. "We add some rosemary, lavender and just a smidge of this," she picked a cat hair from her skirt, "and one of these," she pulled a single hair from her own head. "It's a comparison spell, the cat doesn't have a soul, and I do, so we see which has the closest emanation during the spell." 

They sat down, face to face, on either side of the circle. Willow started the incantation, and the room became dark. She had put her own hair closest to her, Spike's hair in the middle and the cat's hair closest to Tara. Her hair started to glow, not really bright, but it was definitely giving off some light. She transferred her gaze to Spike's hair, which was blindingly bright and white. The cat's hair couldn't be seen at all. The power of the spell faded slowly. The two girls looked at each other. "Well," Tara said, "it certainly looks like he has a soul. But why the difference in light?"

Willow shrugged. "Could be he has a shiny new soul?" She bit her lip. "Now, we need to make sure we don't get another Angel situation here. If she loves him – even if he can be happy and still keep his soul – it won't work. She'll still be hurt. She needs to be able to live a normal life, and she can't have that with Spike. So I guess, we'll just have to keep them apart."

It was early evening and Buffy opened the door to the Magic Box. She was on her way to patrol, but Giles had said he wanted a word. "Funny," thought Buffy, as Giles pulled up a chair for her to sit on, "Giles is being a bit stiff and formal," – which applied to him was – extreme. 

"Buffy," I think we should talk," he began. "I need to know all your memories of the last few weeks. I want to research this place Spike said he took Dawn to and we need to sort out what is real and whether any memories have been ... planted."

Buffy looked confused. "Giles, Dawn told you what happened. Not the every detail story, true, but enough for you to understand."

Giles interrupted. "What you don't realise is that although you remember things, they may have been put there, for other reasons. I must admit, your actually being here lends a bit of credence to Spikes whole story, but you've got to realise he may have motives other that the obvious. We don't even have any proof that he has a soul now. He must really think he would have a chance with you if he can persuade you he's got a soul..."

"Just a minute," Buffy interrupted. ""Spike has got a soul. I was in there – remember? He's got a soul! Funny thing is, it doesn't seem to make a lot of difference, somehow. I mean I couldn't sort out pre- and post- soul feelings by anything obvious. And, I'm sure things happened just like we told you. This is just more Spike-paranoia – isn't it? And he's controlling the demon. I've been there. I've felt it raging, revelling in hurting and killing other demons. And I've felt Spike pull it back, push it under his human self. It takes a major effort each time, but I don't think his soul is doing it. He does it on his own most of the time – or by thinking about the chip or imagining ... other things that would happen if he failed."

"Buffy, if it is Spike-paranoia, then I'm sorry. But his track record isn't good, and we need to understand his motives. It might help me if you could put a name to this place he went to. If I can get more information, we can try to reconcile your memories with what's known about it." 

Buffy thought for a minute, then said "The name wasn't mentioned while I was there, but there was something in Spike's memory – let me see, it was Daranelda? – something like that. I didn't see the spelling, just 'heard' the name, and the feeling that it was kinda legendary." 

Half an hour later, Buffy left to patrol feeling uneasy. She understood that Giles was trying to protect her, but she knew that she didn't need to be protected from Spike. He loved her. And she cared for him. She didn't call it love, not yet, it was all still too new and confusing – just being in her own body was confusing – but she really cared. She was disappointed that Spike hadn't come back to patrol with her. All evening she expected to see him suddenly appear like he always had before. "Maybe he just needs some time alone," she reasoned, trying not to feel desolate at the idea that he needed time away from her when all she wanted was his company.

Spike was busy that night too. He contacted various people, made some international calls and arranged to stay with Clem for a few days. It would be better for Buffy if she didn't see him before he went. Much later, he started writing a letter. He felt Buffy's absence like a physical pain. He'd loved her for so long, he'd become accustomed to the feelings of pain that caused. This was different. He felt the ache in every muscle and bone in his body.


	9. Chapter 9

****

Chapter Nine - Letters

The next day, the Scoobies met to discuss what they had discovered. The news that Spike had a soul was greeted without much enthusiasm from Xander and irritation from Buffy. "I told you," she started to berate Giles, but he held up a hand. 

"It never hurts to have corroboration, and I've made some progress on this place. There is a legend about a place, which doesn't exist in any dimension, but is a kind of hub, control room, if you like, for the whole universe. There are legends of it being possible to right wrongs there, but the legends also say that the risks are high. 'Any being without a pure heart and motives clear as air will not survive the request' is one literal translation of the original. I've asked the Watcher's Council and they've agreed to fax me over the original Greek, but it hasn't arrived. They did imply they have evidence for the existence of such a place.."

"Wow," Xander looked stunned. "Looks like maybe Spike was telling the truth, but we still need to make sure he doesn't use this to make trouble." 

Buffy had had enough. She stood up and started towards the door. "Whatever you're planning – I'm not interested. I trust Spike. I didn't before and I was wrong. I know that now. You'll realise it eventually, just don't close your minds." She left, deciding to go to Spike's crypt. She hadn't seen him since the day before, and she just needed to see him. When she got there, it looked pretty much as she remembered it. No, wait, there were some things missing. His CD collection, some other bits and pieces. On top of the TV was a letter, addressed to her. She bit her lip and was surprised to notice that her hands were shaking a little as she opened the envelope.

__

Buffy,

I've realised that I need to get away. You know how I feel about you, so you know this isn't an easy decision. I know you care about me, but I also know you'll never love me. You deserve the chance of a normal life. I can't give you that and I can't take the chance that you'll make yourself believe you feel more for me than you do because of what happened. I don't want your gratitude and I sure as hell don't want your pity. I know I promised to look after Dawn, but maybe the best way for me to do that now is to let her sister have her life back. I've included an address – if you or Dawn ever need me, I can be reached by the firm of solicitors on the card.

I hope you have at least some happy memories of me.

I will always love you,

William Stevas (Spike)

Sometime during reading the letter, she had sat in Spike's chair, and now she realised she had tears running down her cheeks. She hugged the letter to her and started to sob. 

Some time later, she fell asleep in his chair, still clutching the letter. She didn't notice someone coming up from the lower level of the crypt and gently putting a blanket around her before leaving again.

It was the hardest thing Spike had ever done. He saw how upset she was about the letter. It broke his heart to think he had caused it. Part of him wanted to waken her and tell her he'd changed his mind. But, if over a century of sharing your body with a demon teaches you something, it's how to control your actions.

When she didn't come home from patrol that night, the gang went off to search. Xander found her in Spike's chair, and gently carried her to his car.

Next morning, when he opened the shop, Giles saw that a note had been pushed under the door.

__

Giles,

I'm sure you've been verifying my story, so I assume you now believe I've got a soul and everything. I'm going home.... not that it seems like home now, but I need to get away. I've explained to Buffy. You might like to let the Watcher's Council know I'm going to be in their neck of the woods – you never know, I might even be of some use. I've enclosed a card – I can be reached by way of the firm of solicitors indicated. They know me by my original name, William Stevas. Take care of Buffy and Dawn for me, but don't let on where I've gone. Buffy'll be confused for a while if the state of my head's anything to go by, but she'll be ok in time.

Spike


	10. Chapter 10

****

Chapter Ten - Separation

The next few weeks passed in a daze for Buffy. She looked after the house, she took care of Dawn, she patrolled at night, but it was as if part of her was gone. She started having weird dreams – not nightmares – just dreams where everything was dark and quiet and then a hint of grey water, an endless expanse of grey water under a dark sky. They weren't happy dreams, in fact they seemed incredibly sad, but they were definitely not frightening.

Her friends were becoming more and more concerned about her. They tried just about everything they could think of. They joked with her, prodding her to 'snap out of it'. They got angry with her for no longer seeming to care, they reasoned and cajoled, but it made no difference. 

"It's like she's had an anaesthetic which only affects her feelings," Willow explained to Giles one evening at the Magic Box. "She's going through the motions, but she's not really there." 

"Yeah, and Dawn isn't coping too well with it," added Tara. "I think maybe we've got to give her some more time," countered Giles. "She's been through some really life-changing things lately, things we can only comprehend from outside. She's strong, though, I'm sure she'll be ok if we stick with her."

He walked over to the counter where he'd left some notes. "I asked you to come here so I could share what I learned from the Greek original of the legend of Derabala, but I'd prefer to wait until Xander gets here and Buffy finishes her work out so I don't have to repeat myself." At that moment, Buffy walked into the shop, towelling her hair and Xander came through the door. "Good," said Giles, turning his attention to Anya, "Put up the closed sign now, please, I'd rather not have any interruptions."

"I'm not going to bore you with a word for word translation. I'll stick to the salient parts, if you don't mind. First, the legend implies that this place – Derabala, works pretty much as Dawn told us." 

Buffy gave him her best "I told you so..." look. 

"There are some other details, in a variety of languages which have been gathered over a very long time which seem to refer to specific instances when this method was used to 'right some sort of wrong' – very often instances where someone chose to give their life for the 'greater good' – just as was the case with Buffy. But there, the similarity ends. It seems that very few of these instances actually resulted in the resurrection of the 'lost soul'. There seems to be a lot of evidence that there is a natural refusal for one body to be inhabited by two souls. If the first stage was successful, where the two souls remained together for longer than three days, the host and the awareness both became incurably insane. Now, I know that was hinted at - it was stated as one of the possible side effects - but I can find no instance where 'cohabitation' continued for longer than three days without this effect. How long were you and Spike, eh, together?" 

Giles looked at Buffy, who had been looking at the floor. "Eh, just over a month, wasn't it?" she replied, looking at Giles. 

He nodded, "So, that's the first inconsistency." Giles continued, "In the few cases where soul transfer was successful, most of the resurrected people lasted only days or hours, and no obvious cause of death was found. I found only one instance where the whole procedure worked and the two people involved went on to live normally – that was a case involving sisters – identical twin sisters." 

There was silence for several minutes, broken only by Buffy standing and saying, "Time to patrol," as she got up and left the shop. 

Once she had gone, the discussion started. "You mean, either there's a problem with the story," summarised Willow, "or, there's something special about Spike and Buffy." 

"Well," Tara pointed out, " we already know there were special conditions here. First, Spike is a vampire. He didn't even have a soul until shortly before Buffy's soul joined him. Those would obviously affect the situation." 

"The problem is," replied Giles, "Everything I've seen would suggest those conditions should make success even less likely. I mean, Spike's body has been without a soul for over a century – even taking on one soul should have been difficult. I have to say, I don't know what to make of this."

Buffy headed towards the cemetery. It was a month since she'd seen Spike. She still missed him so much she felt she was missing a limb. She knew she had to sort herself out, had to make herself get on with her life, but somehow, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't do it.

That night, the dream changed. She saw a view over a city. Lights and traffic and buses – red buses. For the first time she saw someone in the dream. At first she didn't recognise him – he was dressed in blue – jeans and a t-shirt - and his hair was dark, then she realised it was Spike.

Next morning when the mail arrived, Willow brought a bill to Buffy's attention. Buffy hadn't taken too much notice of the bills that seemed to be coming into the house so far, but when Willow bullied her into taking a look, she realised that she was running out of money fast. When she asked him later for advice, Giles was concerned, and gave her enough to tide her over, but the problem remained. She needed to have more money coming in than Willow and Tara paid in rent. Buffy realised she'd have to give up her albeit vague plans to go back to college and find a job.


	11. Chapter 11

****

Chapter Eleven - London

Spike was at sea – in more ways than one. He'd managed to get a cabin below the waterline on a liner sailing for Southampton. "Going home," he thought bitterly. "London hasn't been home since I was changed." He was still upset by the knowledge that his leaving had hurt Buffy. He knew she was missing the closeness they had shared, but he wouldn't let himself hope that she loved him. "Funny thing," he thought, "never thought much about hope before. Now, all I can hope is that I can get used to being without her."

Everything was set up for when he arrived. He had never thought he'd need to use all this, so elaborately set up by his brother, but here he was. He'd never talked about his family to Angel, Dru or Darla, he'd just implied he didn't have one. It seemed the only way to keep them safe. But he still managed to see his brother sometimes. It had been a glimpse of another world, seeing John, his little brother, living his life, marrying, getting older. He hadn't had any children, but before he died, he arranged to leave all the family property to his brother William under an assumed name. He'd even arranged with the solicitors that from time to time, the 'death' of the heir be recorded and another fictitious identity created to benefit from the 'will'. All Spike had to do, was contact the firm of solicitors, once a year, to let them know he was still around. Spike had argued with his brother that he didn't need it – that vampires didn't need property like that - but his brother hadn't listened, and for some reason, each year, around John's birthday, Spike had contacted the firm of solicitors with the agreed password.

Spike found he was dreaming about Buffy every night – nothing new there. The difference was the dreams. Sometimes he saw her slaying vampires, although there was something wooden about the way she was fighting that worried him. Sometimes he just saw the inside of the house, her bedroom, the Magic Box – apparently random snapshots of her life. He missed her so much – not just the presence in his mind, but seeing her. The one photo he'd managed to pack just wasn't the same. 

The night his ship docked, he caught a train to London. Leaving Waterloo station, he travelled to an address in Kensington. The address was a large block of, Spike surmised, very expensive flats. The concierge checked his passport and a letter of introduction and gave him the keys. "Welcome, Mr. Wilson," he greeted Spike after the formalities, "I'm glad to have a resident up in 16 at last, it doesn't look good when the places are empty." Spike took the lift to the sixth, and top floor. He opened the door and put his small bag down just inside. The hallway was quite a size, but he took a quick look around. "Two bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen, dining room and oh, yes, lounge," he thought. He recognised quite a few things around the place – they'd come out of the family home – some pictures and books. John had tried to make the place seem like home. How long had John been dead? Spike couldn't remember. He was so tired – he picked one of the bedrooms at random and threw himself onto the bed. He was asleep in moments.

He was awakened next morning by a key opening his door. "Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson, it's just me, Mrs. Atkins – your housekeeper?" Spike got up and pulled his hand through his hair. Fuzzily, he remembered, yes there was a housekeeper employed to keep the place going. He went into the hallway. She bustled up to him with her hand outstretched. "It's so good to meet you at last. You've been in America, I understand. Still, home's always best, isn't it? How long since you've been home?"

"Long time," said Spike, shaking her hand. 

"Look, here am I wanting to chat, and you're all jet-lagged and tired," she continued. "Is there anything you need now? If not, I'll just get on with my usual routine and you can let me know what you'll be needing before I leave – you know, food preferences, things like that. Don't worry, I was warned to expect some strange things, and I made sure there was some fresh blood in the fridge. I got pig's blood, but if you'd rather have something different, I can change it – I've got to confirm the regular order anyway." Spike must have been looking dazed, because she went on, "Sorry, why don't you go and lie down. Can I get you anything?"

"N..no thanks, I just need to freshen up a bit. Thanks," he called.

Spike went back into the bedroom and noticed an en suite shower room. "Just what I need," he thought and turned on the unit. As the cool water cascaded over him, he found he could actually string two thoughts together without losing the thread. "Wow, John really went to town, didn't he? I don't know how he did it, but he set me up really well." Not for the first time was he grateful for his little brother's practical nature.

When he'd showered and dressed, he went into the lounge. He could smell fresh coffee and changed his mind and went into the kitchen. "I thought you'd appreciate some coffee," said Mrs. Atkins, "I mean, living in America so long, you're bound to drink coffee. You sit down at the table there. You've had some post – arrived before you did – sit yourself down and drink your coffee while you read it. It looks kind of official, if you know what I mean. I'll just go off and do the bedrooms now." She placed a steaming mug of coffee in front of him and handed him four envelopes. The first was from the solicitors' firm, welcoming him and warning him that he should receive shortly details of his bank accounts and investments. The other envelopes contained financial details and a new credit card. Spike had to read the enclosed details several times before it sank in. He was a very wealthy man!

As he went into the lounge, he noticed that Mrs. Atkins had opened the curtains, but before he could say anything, she said, "Don't worry, Mr. Wilson, the glass was changed as soon as we knew you were coming here. Nothing can get in to irritate your skin condition." 

"I should have known," thought Spike, "They've thought of everything."

One other useful thing he learned from Mrs. Atkins, was that London no longer shut down at 5.30! Many shops stayed open much later, and with that thought in mind, he planned a shopping trip after dark, painfully aware of how little he had brought with him.

After the shops closed, he spent a large part of the night just walking around, trying to tie up in his mind this London with the one in his memory. It had changed a lot, but when he got back just before dawn with several bags full of goodies purchased on his newly acquired credit card, he was tired again. "Funny," he thought, "using my old name is making me revert more and more to William." He looked at what he'd bought - clothes – and none of them black! There seemed to be a lot of blue. He shrugged. "We'll just call this my 'blue period,'" he thought, sadly. CDs – a mixture – some things which fitted with what he'd brought, some which looked very out of place. "It's just this mood, this loneliness," he thought. He set up the CD player he'd bought and put on one of his purchases – a compilation of soppy love songs! Some of them were quite old – "I always was a hopeless romantic," he thought as the sounds of 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous Brothers filled the room. "Still, it's sometimes nice not to have to fit an image."

A couple of days later, his dream changed slightly. The dream still involved seeing Buffy and a feeling of deep sadness but there was another feeling pervading the atmosphere – worry, anxiety – something like that. He woke in the early evening and knew something was wrong. He didn't know what, but he could find out. As early as he decently could - he didn't want a brassed off Watcher - he rang Giles. After the required questions about each other's health, he got down to what was worrying him. "What's the matter with Buffy. Don't say nothing, 'cos, I know something's worrying her – it's not Dawn, is it?"

Giles seemed genuinely puzzled at first. "There's nothing wrong with either Dawn or Buffy," he replied. "Buffy's still a little disorientated of course, but they really are both fine. Of course, she's having to look for a job, but that's..."

"What? Why is she looking for a job? She's going back to college, isn't she?" Spike interrupted. 

"Well, no," Giles continued, "you see, Joyce's insurance policies were largely exhausted by her medical bills. The house belongs to Buffy and Dawn, but there's not much else left. I've given her what I can afford, but..." 

"Wait, if she needs money, I can arrange that," Spike began. 

"Well, I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'm sure she wouldn't want you stealing for her," Giles sounded very disapproving. 

"Wait," Spike chipped in, "who said anything about stealing? I've got a bit – all legally obtained, honest. How much would she need as a regular income, say, so that she could go back to college? It would need to seem to be from somewhere else – couldn't you find a cover story to imply that Joyce had an extra policy that needed to mature?"

Giles thought about it. If the money didn't seem to come from Spike, he couldn't see the harm. He named a figure. "Are you sure more wouldn't be better?" Spike questioned.

"No, if it's too much, she's more likely to find it suspicious," Giles countered. He agreed to set up the details in the US and then contact Spike's solicitor. 

"Look, can I call from time to time, y'know, see how she's doing?" Spike asked after the details had been arranged. "I won't contact her directly, I'd just like to know." 

Giles softened a little. "Yes, I can see no harm in that," he answered. 

A week later, Spike received a letter from the Watcher's Council which had been forwarded to him by his solicitor. 

__

Dear Mr. Stevas,

__

We have been informed by a Mr. Rupert Giles of your wish to be of assistance in our fight against the dark forces. While we are willing to consider this offer, you understand, we will need certain assurances from you before we can proceed. If you are willing, we would like to send a contact to meet with you. We suggest meeting in ------- (a coffee bar) at 9pm tomorrow evening.

__

Yours sincerely,

Quentin Travers.

Spike arrived at the coffee bar at the appointed time. He ordered a coffee and looked around. He was alert. Any number of the patrons in the bar could be Council operatives; there's no way they would send one alone. After several minutes, an attractive, blonde haired woman walked to his table and sat down. She looked like an athlete, compact and muscled without looking masculine. "Mr. Stevas?" she questioned, looking at him carefully.

He nodded, "I'm using the name 'Wilson' at present, if you don't mind," he replied. 

The woman looked at him for a moment and said, "Yes, I can see now you are the same person, although your appearance has changed a little since the photo we have on file." 

"Y'mean the hair?" He grinned. "Well, I must admit, I miss the blonde look, but at the moment, I'm trying not to be too obvious. Now, you know who I am, how about you introduce yourself?"

"Lydia Watkins, Watcher with the Watchers Council," she replied. 

"Well, and how many of the people around me are also from the Council?" he asked looking meaningfully around him. 

"Well, most of them," she replied, "but as long as you behave yourself, you won't need to find out."

She started to ask questions then, obviously checking information against their records – not doubt recently updated by Giles. At last, she said, "Well, Mr.... Wilson," while we cannot as yet admit you to the Council or involve you in many of our activities, there is perhaps something with which you can help. There has been a recent rash of disappearances and deaths – commuters and people out late at night – people travelling on the tube. The hub seems to be around Covent Garden, but we have no real idea of the cause as yet. Why don't you have a snoop around and see what you can find. If you have any information, you can contact me on this number," she handed him a card. "Oh, and you may find this useful," she took a package from the chair beside her and gave it to him. "Goodnight."

Curious, Spike opened the package. Inside was a detailed map of the London Underground – the Tube. Not just the usual available to the public thing, this one contained fire exits, unused tunnels, links to service tunnels, links to ...... everything. When he looked up, she had gone.


	12. Chapter 12

****

Chapter Twelve – Demons

Life in Sunnydale continued as before. The new insurance policy was an absolute godsend, and Buffy managed to re-enrol in college. Although money was no longer a problem, Buffy still couldn't get around her general feeling of sadness. She thought back to those weeks when she'd shared Spikes body – she could hardly remember the details now, she just knew that she still missed his presence. She'd expected to hear from him, but he hadn't even written. Willow and Tara still tried from time to time to get her to 'snap out of' her general malaise. Even Xander and Anya had stopped inviting her out as often as they had done. Buffy knew she was no fun to be with, and actually felt more comfortable with her own company. Dawn was less worried than she had been, but still concerned. She had found a new reason to tease her sister – what are little sisters for, after all? It seemed to Dawn that Buffy's music sense had suddenly taken a really strange turn. I mean, they never really loved each other's choices, but now she was listening over and over to some compilations of old slushy stuff she'd bought. She said she'd been dreaming about them, but Dawn thought she'd go crazy if she heard 'Unchained Melody' one more time.

"Can you listen to something else for a change?" Dawn begged as she came in from school to find Buffy sitting with the same song on repeat. Buffy shrugged and pressed a button on the remote. The track changed to 'The Air that I Breathe' by The Hollies. "Listen, what're you going to wear to Anya's party? I saw this really cool t-shirt at the mall and I was wondering if there's enough funds for me to have it?" Dawn bounced in. 

"I guess," Buffy replied. "We can go later if you like?" 

"How about you, d'you want something new?" Dawn asked. 

Buffy just shrugged her shoulders. "You know, you should do something, Mom always used to say that the best way to buck yourself out of a mood was to buy something nice to wear or have your hair done. Why don't you try something different with your hair?"

Buffy could see how hard Dawn was trying. She smiled, "You know, I just might do that."

At the party the next night at the Bronze, Buffy arrived with Dawn to an amazed look from the rest of the Scoobies. She'd had her hair cut – about chin length - and Dawn had persuaded her to buy a dress in a lovely soft pink. She looked better than she had in a long time. "Hey, Buffy," said Xander giving her a hug, "You look amazing tonight. Look, I'd like you to meet someone, name of Doug Holden - I work with him." Xander left them shaking hands and ran off to get some drinks. "Set up," thought Buffy, but Doug seemed really nice so she tried to chat. It was a real effort to make conversation. She tried to talk about school, Xander and Anya, but she kept seeing the Spike of her recent dreams, blue clad, brown hair, wandering what seemed to be endless tiled corridors.

Despite her best efforts, the evening was not a success. At home later, Xander complained to Anya, "She didn't make any effort, did she? Doug was really smitten at first, well, who wouldn't be, I mean, she looked great, but it was almost like she wasn't really there." 

"I know," cooed Anya, "I think she's getting better though – I mean she didn't even **go** to Tara's party last month – and she did buy the dress and got her hair done and all that. She's still got a lot going on in her life – I mean, she's got Dawn to look after as well as school and slaying. And Willow said things're getting better at home now." 

"I know, baby, it's just, I can't see the point in Spike bringing her back if this is how she's going to be," Xander's shoulders slumped. "And talking of the bleached one, aren't you just amazed he hasn't come back? I was sure he'd be back in no time, that he just couldn't stay away. Guess I was wrong."


	13. Chapter 13

****

Chapter Thirteen - Problems

The first hint of something out of the ordinary came two days after the party. The news report talked about a strange sickness in Sunnydale. People were going out in the evening and being found later, unconscious and often delirious. Without fail they died within forty-eight hours, with the medical authorities unable to find the cause.

After training, a few days later, Buffy stopped to talk to Giles. She wanted to know what he thought about her contacting Spike. "I miss him so much. He went away to let me get over this whole 'coming back' thing, but I'm starting to think I'm never going to get over it without him. I think I ... love him. And I keep getting these dreams, Spike's in them, but he's different – I mean he's wearing blue and his hair's not bleached any more, but it's him." 

"Slayer dreams?" Gilies questioned abruptly.

"No, I don't think so, but they're strange. No real story to them, I just see Spike and sometimes I hear this music – real old tearjerker stuff, y'know – maybe some of it from your era," she grinned. 

"Well, Buffy, for once, Spike had a good idea. He was worried you'd imagine yourself in love with him because of the way you came back. I think you need to leave it a bit longer, I mean, what if you get him to come back and then realise you're just grateful to him or something? Do you really want to hurt him like that?" Giles looked concerned. "Anyway, until we understand why Spike was successful in bringing you back at all, I have grave concerns about you having contact with him. Everything I've understood implies that there has to be some sort of a link between the two people involved before this is attempted."

"I suppose you're right," Buffy agreed softly. Giles had other things on his mind suddenly. He tried to get Buffy out of the shop without seeming to, so he could check the letter he'd received from London that morning. It included a report on the meeting between Spike and Lydia Watkins, and he was sure he'd noticed something – "Yes, there it is, he's letting his hair grow in dark and he's given up his regulation black, now how did Buffy know that?" 

After he got the Tube map back to his flat, Spike spent a long time studying it. "Amazing," he thought, "if I read this right, there's even an entrance to the system from the basement of this building – this could be even better than Sunnydale – I'll be able to get around in daylight again – without resorting to buying a car." That night, after the commuter rush had subsided, Spike started his investigation. The reported hub – Covent Garden – was one of the deepest stations on the line. "Hardly surprising," he thought. "The bigger and badder they are, the less they like the light." In some of the unlit service tunnels he found some strange greenish slime which he didn't think was quite healthy, but that was it. Still, he knew where to start next day. In the morning he phoned Lydia to report what he'd found and was surprised when she insisted on meeting him. They met as before, same time, same place, but everything else was different. She listened to his report impatiently and then turned the conversation to various clubs and night-spots in the area. "She wants me to ask her to show me the nightlife around here!" Spike thought, amazed. He realised that a couple of years ago, he'd have found her very attractive, but now, he just wasn't interested. He was still having dreams of Buffy every night, for some reason now with short hair. Determinedly, he got the conversation back to business and when that was over, he left.

In Sunnydale, the local hospital was filling up with cases of the new illness. The death rate was still 100%. Giles started to investigate a possible supernatural cause. What he found was profoundly disturbing. He'd just started to read the full details when the phone rang. It was Spike. "Just phonin' to check everything's ok," he began. "Buffy, Dawn, you know?" 

"Yes," Giles answered – he really didn't have time for this right now. 

"You know, I had a funny dream last night, there was all this sixties music playing and Buffy had short hair," Spike commented. Giles stopped thinking about his research. There was something really weird about this. First, Buffy knew about his change of hair colour and now Spike knew about the haircut. And Buffy had spent most of last Sunday afternoon going through his music collection sorting out the slushiest things she could find. He brought his mind back to the present. People were dying here in Sunnydale and that was more important than this particular puzzle. He ended the call with Spike as quickly as he could and returned to his research.

In London, Spike continued with his efforts to find the cause of the disappearances. He knew he was getting closer, but he was limited in how many hours he could spend on the investigation without looking suspicious. He was getting really irritated with Lydia. She still insisted on getting his reports in person and she was now making it very obvious that she wanted their relationship to be more that business. He, in turn, had done everything he could to make it clear he was not interested. He knew she was attractive. I mean, you only had to see the envious looks he got from other men when they were together to know that most of them would be only too happy to get involved with her. He'd even tried contacting Quentin Travers suggesting another contact, but his efforts had been in vain. "No other Watcher available at this time," was the reply.

It was very early one Tuesday morning when Spike knew he'd found it. There was a nest – demon eggs of some kind, buried deep in the system in a tunnel which didn't look like anyone had been there in fifty years. He found a place to hide, out of the way, and waited. An hour later he was rewarded. A huge beast came into the tunnel, one second it was at the entrance, the next it was right in front of him. Over the next half-hour, more of the beasts came back. "Baalagrog demons," thought Spike, "eight of them, I knew they were fast, but .... it's as though they can move in another dimension and appear instantaneously somewhere else here. No wonder no one's seen what's responsible for the deaths." He thought again, "Remember something else about them, read it at Giles' one night when I was really bored. Something about their reproduction, they need what was it, eight adults to produce a nest of eggs, but only one of those will hatch immediately. The first to hatch needs to do something before the rest can hatch. " It had seemed a funny way to go about reproduction to him at the time, which was why he remembered it at all. The details were sketchy, but he'd find out some more. An hour later, it seemed they were all asleep, so Spike crept out of his hiding place.

A week later, Giles squinted at his E-Mail. Lydia in London was looking for confirmation of what Spike had reported about some Baalagrog demons he'd seen. "Strange girl," he thought, "why can't she keep to the point? I'm really not interested in her relationship with Spike – except insofar as I can make sure Buffy doesn't contact him. I knew he didn't really love Buffy – the first girl who makes herself available and he's forgotten her."

Meanwhile, Giles had made progress on the Sunnydale problem. The only thing was, the evidence pointed to a Halkrew demon – a demon so rare legend had it there was only one in existence. The records he had seen suggested it was dormant most of the time, but once every two or three hundred years it woke and fed on the life energy of humans. Each time there was an attack, thousands would die. When the demon had fed enough, it would become dormant again. There was no way on record of killing the beast.

Two days later, Spike, armed with all the information and weapons he could cope with, emerged in the lair of the Baalagrog demon. He had asked for back-up, but Lydia had implied that if he could not deal with this alone, he would be of no use to the Council. He knew he only had to kill two of them and the danger would be over. He was amazed that anything with that complicated a life cycle managed to reproduce at all. The rest of the adults would die soon anyway, and with two gone, the eggs would not hatch. Axe in hand, he approached as stealthily as he could.

As soon as he was within reach of the closest Baalagrog, he swung the axe, aiming to cut off its head. Just when the axe should have hit home, he realised the demon was no longer there. Spike span around, looking for the demon and saw it was coming straight at him. Spike launched himself into the air, grabbed a ceiling support and vaulted over the thing. He ran. The problem was, fast as he was, the demon was faster. The only advantage he had was the fact that he kept changing direction. That seemed to confuse the demon, but it was still getting closer. Thankful that he didn't have to breathe, Spike headed as fast as he could for the public parts of the system. He guessed that, despite its speed, the demon would prefer to attack lone prey, so the busier the better. "Not far now," he thought as he approached a doorway he knew would bring him out on a Northern line platform, but the fraction of a second he spent opening the door resulted in a blinding pain down his back. The injury would certainly have been enough to floor a human, but Spike was, just, able to get through the door. Once on the other side he stood for a moment, trying to ignore the curious looks he was getting from those waiting on the platform. A few seconds later a train arrived and Spike got on too, keen to put some miles between him and the Baalagrog.

Buffy had been doing a lot of thinking. It all led the same way. She certainly wasn't happy as she was. Every moment of every day Spike was on her mind. She could remember how he infuriated her, how he made her laugh. She knew Dawn missed him too. Not for the first time, she was amazed at her sister's understanding. She had never asked Buffy to contact Spike. She seemed content to believe Spike would come back in the end and that everything would be right then. Slowly, Buffy realised that she loved Spike. It was simple. She needed him and couldn't live without him.

Giles had updated Buffy on his theory about the Halkrew. The problem was, no one had ever survived seeing the demon, so he had no description. He just warned her to avoid anything unfamiliar and report back. She asked him again about contacting Spike, telling him that she was certain of her love. Giles put her off again; citing some new research he was doing which would prove that she was still suffering the after-effects of coming back. As he was saying this, he was trying to think of how to tell her Spike was involved elsewhere without hurting her.

That night on patrol, she saw a weird light in the children's playground. She approached cautiously. The light didn't seem to have a source, but it didn't look 'demony' so she crept closer, intending to watch. Just then, she felt a sharp pain in her back and immediately saw Spike in her mind. She knew he was hurt. She must have gasped at the sudden pain, because when she looked, the light was coming closer to her and her feet seemed to be stuck in place. The light enveloped her and she lost consciousness.

Spike eventually arrived back at his flat mid morning. He cleaned up his injury as well as he could and went to bed. He decided he just couldn't face another fencing match with Lydia until he'd slept. At first he slept deeply, but when the dreams came, they were very different. This time there was real fear, then pain, then darkness. He woke to the knowledge that something was seriously wrong with Buffy. He tried to contact Giles, then Xander then Willow, but there was no answer from any of them. He called his solicitor to arrange a flight back to Sunnydale – unfortunately, his special circumstances required some special arrangements – he couldn't possibly leave until the following night.


	14. Chapter 14

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Chapter Fourteen – The End

It was thirty-six hours later when the gang found what had happened to Buffy. They'd started to look as soon as they realised she was missing, but she'd been found next morning by someone walking a dog and was taken to hospital. The problem was, there were so many cases now, that records weren't being kept up to date. It was only when Giles took matters into his own hands and went to the hospital to look for Buffy that they found her. Dawn was stunned and refused to leave Buffy's bedside. Tara agreed to stay with her while the others went back to the Magic Box to research. They didn't have much hope. If things went the way they did with others, she only had a few hours left.

Spike had spent the time he had to wait pacing his flat like a caged animal. He only remembered to phone in and report to the Council a few hours before he had to leave. Fortunately, by that time, the office was empty and he was able to leave a message, "Nearly got myself killed last night going into that nest alone. Just made it out. I'll give some thought to a better plan, but there's something I need to do first. I'm heading back to Sunnydale for a while – not sure how long. You can contact me through Giles."

The first part of the journey was fairly straightforward. He was due to take the overnight flight to New York. He reached Security at Heathrow and walked towards the detector gate. To his surprise, he was stopped and told to wait. An official came towards him and explained, "Nothing to worry about, sir, it's just a routine check. We just need to take you somewhere private." 

Alarm bells were ringing in Spike's head, but what could he do? "Still chipped, even if I want to do something about it, I'm stuck," he thought. He was taken to a small tiled room. There was only one door. 

After a few minutes, Lydia walked in. "What do you think you're doing, Spike?" she asked. 

"Look, I explained on the phone. Something's happened to Buffy and I've got to get back," he answered. 

"You're going nowhere," she replied.

At Sunnydale hospital, Dawn sat by Buffy's bedside. "She's so still, almost dead already," she thought. "It's a pity Spike's not here, he'd think of something. Wait...." Aloud she added, "Tara, we've got to let Spike know. He'll be able to help. There's a phone number – Buffy's got it at the house. She kept it in her top drawer, there's a letter from Spike too, she showed me once." 

Tara stood up. "I'll get it and call. Will you be ok here?" 

Dawn nodded. 

"Be back as soon as I can," called Tara as she walked out of the door.

Back at the airport, Spike could see the time for his flight approaching. "What is this Lydia?" he asked. "You can sort out that nest without me, I've got to get back. If you still need me later, I'll do what I can."

"Didn't you hear?" her voice now dripped menace. "You're going nowhere. If I can't have you, your stupid Slayer certainly can't. Stupid girl, not realising what she had." 

The truth dawned on Spike. Lydia wasn't used to men saying "no" to her. She was serious. He started to the door but she interrupted, "I wouldn't, Spike, there are thirty Council operatives out there, all armed with stakes. You'll never make it." 

Spike thought for a fraction of a second. His only thought was that Buffy needed him. He jumped for the doorframe, hitting the door with his feet and burst out of the room. As she said, there were operatives everywhere. He aimed a kick at the closest one and his head exploded in pain. "The bloody chip," he realised, "it's been so long since I tried to hurt a human, I'd almost forgotten it was there."

The pain had been enough for him to lose concentration for just a fraction of a second. He saw the stake heading for his heart in what seemed like slow motion.

Tara found the contact details and made a call. The voice on the other end was polite and efficient, but informed her that Mr. Stevas was incommunicado. Tara returned to the hospital looking worried. "I found the number and called. I'm afraid they can't contact Spike at the moment. They promised to get him to call as soon as he's back in touch with them."

"But it'll be too late, she'll be dead!" sobbed Dawn. Tara just nodded.

Tempers were frayed at the Magic Box. Everything they found about the Halkrew pointed to the same thing. There was no cure. Eventually it would just go away, but there was no hope for those who had been attacked.

As Spike felt the stake piercing his chest he let out an agonised cry, "Buffy, I tried to get to you, I'm sorry, so sorry....." The cry ended abruptly and the only sound to be heard was a clink as a tiny bundle of silicon, metal and plastic hit the floor in a sudden cascade of dust. Lydia stepped forward and picked it up. "A pity," she said. "He could have been so useful. Still, with this, perhaps we can try again.


	15. Chapter 15

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Chapter Fifteen – The Beginning

At the hospital, Buffy stirred slightly. Dawn jumped up to look at her sister who had been so still for so long, but there was nothing else. She went back to watching Buffy – dying - again.

For Buffy there had been only black for so long. She'd felt the fear and then the pain as the light overtook her, but since then, only black and silence. Suddenly she heard an agonised cry, "Buffy, I tried to get to you, I'm sorry, so sorry....." She tried to react, knew she should react to this, but her energy was gone.

"Funny," he thought, "This isn't what I expected." He felt safe and warm, but it was so dark. Where was he? He pushed his awareness out, and found only Buffy. But she was so quiet, so still, almost dead. What had happened? He explored further; realising her life force was nearly gone. Then just as she had done for him so many weeks ago, Spike felt a little of his life force leave his essence and go to her. Slowly, she started to heal. As she healed, the darkness lifted, slowly, so slowly, but he could recognise where he was now. Somehow, when his body had turned to dust, his soul had sought out Buffy. Spike's soul was now resident in Buffy's body.

The whole of the gang was now at the hospital, waiting for the worst. Except it didn't happen. Buffy didn't die. In fact, the staff informed them, she seemed to be getting stronger. She was still unconscious, but she seemed stronger. It was now four days since the attack.

As Buffy regained her strength, she recognised Spike's presence. She was filled with such happiness that she didn't question how it had happened. Spike was going through Buffy's memories to try to understand what was going on. He was still working on healing Buffy, but she had been so close to death, that he eventually realised that he didn't have enough energy for both of them. Then he noticed a link. He could sense the Halkrew demon, knew a little of how it worked. It seemed if he concentrated, he could retrieve the life force that had been drained. He tried, gently at first. The energy flow was huge. At last, Buffy seemed to have absorbed everything she could, but the flow continued. Spike tried to deflect it into the world outside Buffy and could feel it returning to the others who had been stricken as Buffy had. But so many had died. There were not enough to absorb all the energy. The energy started to come into Spike and he had no way to stop it. Blinding white light surrounded him and the light was in him, and he felt sure he would ignite with the power of it. In the midst of this, he realised the Halkrew demon was dying. It had never known what it felt like to have the life force energy drained from it as was happening now. With one enormous explosion that only Spike could hear, it was gone, and Spike knew nothing else.

Buffy was still unconscious, but all around her, others in the hospital were recovering. The medical staff could not account for it, but the mood in the hospital changed from despair to hope. Dawn and the gang continued to sit with Buffy, not understanding why she had been the first to improve and yet the last to be well. Three days after Spike's defeat of the Halkrew, Buffy opened her eyes. She wasn't able to speak, but obviously understood what was going on around her. The relief of the gang was palpable. They were grinning and hugging and hoping this was the start of better times for the Slayer. Giles even took a couple of hours off to go back to check how the Magic Box was doing in his absence. He'd persuaded a friend to look after things, but the friend was an accountant and had little idea when it came to the arcane, so he was understandably concerned. 

Buffy could hear her friends. She could understand what they were saying to her. She was still very weak, and the prospect of speaking was more than she could manage. She smiled at them and hoped they realised how happy she was. The only conversation which interested her at that moment, was the one inside her head. Spike was with her again. She knew he had saved her again. "I'm so glad you came back," she told him. "I've missed you so much. I wanted to tell you. I love you, it's not just the circumstances. I've never been more certain of anything."

Spike had already realised that Buffy loved him. It was so obvious when he first came into her head, but that didn't diminish his joy at hearing the words consciously thought. "What about a normal life?" he gently questioned her. "Are you sure you want to give up on that? Because, it'll kill me if you change your mind later."

Her answering thought quashed all his fears. "Never mind normal," she thought. "I can't live without you. I've been so miserable." 

When Giles returned to the hospital he looked grave. He motioned for Xander and Willow to come out of Buffy's room so he could speak to them. "When I got to the shop, there was a message to contact the Watcher's Council as soon as possible. It seems there's been an incident. They didn't give me any details, but apparently, Spike went berserk in a public place and one of the operatives they've had shadowing him was forced to stake him. I'd suggest we don't tell Dawn and Buffy about this – not immediately any way." He was going to continue when Willow drew his attention to Dawn standing at the entrance to Buffy's room. She had heard everything. When she realised she'd been seen, she ran in the opposite direction. "Xander, go after her!" Giles said as Dawn disappeared round a corner.

Dawn found an open door off the corridor and went inside. She was in a cupboard, dark and quiet. She squatted against the wall and started to cry. She heard Xander run past the door looking for her, but she didn't care. Was it only a year ago she'd had Buffy and Spike? A little before that she'd had her mom too. Since Buffy died, nothing had been right. She needed her sister and she needed Spike. Even more importantly, she knew the only way Buffy would ever be happy was when she admitted her feelings for Spike. But now he was gone. She had always been sure he would come back some time. And now she knew Buffy wasn't going to die again, Spike was gone.... It was too much for her to cope with, and she just wanted to hide until her life made some sense again.

The rest of the gang went to see Buffy. They told her the news about Spike – there didn't seem much point in keeping it secret now – and she seemed to understand, but she smiled. They were surprised. Giles, in particular, knew that Buffy had been sure she loved Spike, so he assumed she was still confused and hadn't understood after all.

Buffy didn't know why they were so sad. Spike was here, she could feel him. She'd had a moment of panic when she'd heard his shout, but then she knew he was safe with her. "That's right, pet," he thought at her, "I'm with you and I'm not planning on changing that any time soon, - especially now I know you love me." Although her body was healing, she was still weak and she drifted off to sleep with a beautiful smile on her lips.


	16. Chapter 16

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Chapter Sixteen – Hope

Spike could only find one word to describe how he felt – amazing. It was like when he'd first been changed – he'd gone from an ordinary man to a vampire with so much energy, speed and stamina that he couldn't understand how he could have felt alive before. Everything seemed effortless. Thoughts came to him and he could see everything so clearly. When Buffy became conscious again, she complained it was like having a puppy buzzing around in her brain.

When Xander couldn't find Dawn, the whole gang set off to search, leaving Buffy alone. After a couple of hours in the cupboard, Dawn got up to go back to Buffy. She found her conscious and started to tell her what had happened to Spike. Buffy smiled and shook her head. She tried to open her mouth, and with Spike's help, she said, "No, Dawn, he's here." Dawn looked confused, believing Buffy was delirious, but Spike chipped in using Buffy's voice, "Don't worry, Niblet, it's me. When I got staked, I made a beeline for the safest, happiest place I could. I'm here." Dawn's mouth opened in shock, and then she started to cry. "That's all I seem to do these days," she thought. When the gang got back to the hospital after hours of fruitless searching, she found Dawn asleep, sitting in a chair next to Buffy's bed with her head on the bed and Buffy's arm around her shoulders.

Buffy's recovery was slow, but now that it seemed assured, there was no problem with her going home. It took a little while for her to persuade the rest of the gang that her belief in Spike being with her was not a result of her illness, but gradually they all accepted it.

The school year was nearly over, and as Buffy grew stronger, she was left alone in the house more and more. "Well," she thought, "I'm not exactly alone, am I?" Spike gave Giles his version of the situation with Lydia and how she had caused his demise – physically at least. At first Giles was reluctant to believe him, but after checking with a few contacts in London, he started to accept it. The biggest change was with Buffy. Her regular laughter would have upset her friends if they hadn't understood the circumstances. Despite a little lingering weakness, she was back to her old self. The sadness, which had plagued her while Spike was gone, had completely lifted. 

It was a few days until school was due to break up. The weather had been glorious all week and Buffy was feeling restless. She wanted a day out and mentioned to Xander that she wanted a day at the beach. Xander was so pleased to hear Buffy more like her old self, that he offered to drive her to the beach on his way to the construction site he was working at present. So, early next morning, Buffy was dropped at the beach with instructions on where to meet Xander later.

Buffy had a wonderful day. In many ways it was nothing special, but she loved the way Spike revelled in a day spent in the sun. She'd been out locally since she started to recover, but this was the sort of day that was made special by the fact that the sun was shining. She walked along the beach, swam, and lay on the sand. She was so happy. She had Spike all to herself and it was perfect. She remembered their last trip out - all those months ago when she had been in his body. It was a trip to look at the ocean from above. That memory led to another where she had felt things she'd never experienced in quite the same way before. Spike laughed at her memory. Then he planted a picture in her mind. It was a perfect representation of him. He was prowling towards her – that gait which was so peculiarly his. His hips were pushed forwards, his shoulders were rolling and he was doing that funny thing with his tongue – curling it behind his front teeth. The look in his eyes told her so clearly what he wanted. It was so real, that she started to feel aroused by the sight. "Two can play that game," he playfully thought at her, "but, maybe later, when you're not on a crowded beach?" He quickly withdrew the picture, but left Buffy looking at her watch to decide how long she had to wait for Xander.

Later that night, Spike felt Buffy's pleasure.

The change in Buffy was so genuine, that Giles, Willow and Tara were slowly starting to accept Spike, but they were working feverishly to discover a way to extricate him without destroying him. 

"You know they want me out of here, don't you love," Spike asked Buffy one day.

"Mmm, yes," she replied. "They won't succeed, though, I'm the only one who knows how to do that." 

Spike was stunned. He realised she was better at keeping some thoughts to herself than she had been. But then, he had a few secrets he was keeping from her too. "What? How?" he asked. 

"Same way we got me out of your head. When I came back, I came with the knowledge of how to re-implant a soul into the right body." 

"But I don't have a body, do I?" Spike reasoned. "I mean, I was turned to dust."

"I didn't really have a body either, though, did I, at least not one that worked? Molecules had to be rearranged to put me back together. We can do the same for you, it might just take a little longer." 

"So, when were you planning on springing this little surprise on me then?" Spike lifted Buffy's arm to tickle her side. 

"When I'm strong enough to take advantage of you, of course!" she replied, giggling.

Buffy had been out of bed for a couple of weeks and almost felt ready to resume training. She decided it was time – besides there was the old coincidence thing. It was exactly a year since her soul had been reunited with her body. Spike and Buffy had discussed it, and agreed that unlike her resurrection, his should be a private affair. Buffy arranged for the others to be out of the house for the night. It took a bit of arranging since she was trying to be subtle, but at last, everything was set up. At midnight, Buffy raised her voice in that strange chant and watched as slowly a wind started to blow through her bedroom and dust started to accumulate in front of her. Gradually the dust took shape, until it was unmistakably Spike-shaped, even though she could see through it. The shape shimmered and became more solid and then she felt that awful pulling, dragging feeling as Spike's soul left her to be reunited with his now solid body.

She fell back on the bed with the awful feeling of loneliness that suddenly assailed her. Then she heard a strange sound, a rasping sound. Alarmed, she looked up to see Spike looking at her with an astonished expression, as he struggled to maintain regular breathing. He walked towards her, took her hand and put it to the left side of his chest. He was warm, he was breathing, and his heart was beating. He had come back human.

When Buffy had been driven onto the bed as she felt Spike leaving, she understood now how it had driven him to his knees that night in the cemetery. He sat beside her on the bed, holding her hand to his chest. She could hear his heart beating. It was the most wonderful sound she had ever heard. After the initial shock had worn off a little, she noticed that his naked chest came with a naked everything else. She leaned up to kiss him. As things between them became more heated, she noticed that she could feel everything. She could obviously feel what he was doing to her – but she could also feel the effect of what she was doing to him.

Spike had never experienced anything like it. He knew exactly how Buffy felt about everything he did – not through experience or body language – but directly. When at last they coupled, he experienced the most complete union he had ever known. He was the lover and the loved. He felt her and he felt her perception of him. Each moment, the feedback between them caused the arousal to increase until it was more than either had ever known.

Buffy revelled in the feeling of being one with Spike again. She was the lover and the loved. She felt everything he felt. She knew he was experiencing everything exactly as she was. They were one again.


	17. Chapter 17

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Chapter Seventeen – Epilogue

It was lunchtime the next day before Dawn returned. She launched herself into the kitchen to tell Buffy about her night and stopped dead as she saw Spike smiling at her. "Hello, Niblet," he said. Dawn was stunned for a second or two before she ran at Spike, almost knocking him down. She threw her arms around his neck and squeezed, tight. After a few seconds, she backed away, puzzled. "Y..you're warm!" she whispered. "Well, yeah, when your sister decided to bring me back, she decided to change me a bit. Typical, isn't it. They say they love you and then try to change you," Spike joked. 

Buffy playfully hit him on the arm, "You know I wasn't trying to make you human, it's just – that's how that ritual works. It's not for bringing back vampires, it's for bringing back humans."

After that, a virtual party ensued, as Dawn insisted in calling the rest of the gang, and before long, they were all there. Some brought food, some drinks, and Buffy put on her slushy CDs. Buffy and Spike spent most of the party dancing together, the music perfect for the way they felt. She could see the concern on Xander's face, but she hoped it wouldn't be long before he accepted that she and Spike were together now. Giles looked thoughtful, but decided that now was not the time for his news. Tomorrow would be soon enough.

Early next day, Buffy decided the time had come for her first training session. Spike insisted on coming along. "I know I won't be able to keep up with you any more," he reasoned. 

Buffy threw him a wicked look and whispered in his ear, "No complaints so far!"

Spike blushed as he saw Dawn had caught at least the tone of the exchange. He continued, "but if you think I'm going to let you patrol alone, they you'd better think again." 

Buffy sighed, she wasn't ready for an argument with Spike, but she'd had this problem with Riley after he was back to normal. There were times when patrolling with someone else was simply a liability. She let it go, for now.

When they got to the Magic Box, they found Anya there alone. "Giles had some things he had to do, but asked me to tell you he wants to see you before you go," she greeted them, obviously considering message passing not one of her duties. 

Buffy and Spike headed to the back of the shop, changed and started with the simplest of Buffy's warm up exercises. As they gradually increased the pace of the session, Buffy was surprised to find Spike keeping up with her. She knew Xander normally faded right about now when he trained with her, and Spike had hardly broken sweat. "Let's try something," she said, launching an attack in his direction. She deliberately held back a lot, but knew none of her friends could have coped with what she was doing. Spike easily side-stepped the attack and launched one of his own. She did a back flip to evade that and tried harder to get past his guard. Soon, neither of them was holding back and although some shots landed, it was obvious they were quite evenly matched. Each lost in their own thoughts they towelled themselves off and changed. When they emerged, Giles had returned. Quickly, they explained what they had discovered. "It could be that business with the Halkrew demon," Giles mused. "I've always considered the Slayer power to be simply an excess of life energy. If you," he looked at Spike, "absorbed all that spare life energy, you could well now be imbued with exactly the same abilities as Buffy. We'll have to see what happens. But, that wasn't what I wanted to speak to you about. I've been talking to the Council and hearing some very interesting things. Firstly, Lydia Watkins has resigned from the Council – not because of her dealings with you Spike, because I've only discussed your version of that matter with a select few in the Council. It seems that when you were staked, all that remained was your chip. She retained that, and intelligence suggests she's looking to implant it in another vampire. We're not sure of her ultimate plans, but suspect that since she failed with you, she's planning to try again."

"And here, I thought she was only after my body," smiled Spike, winking at Buffy who gave him a not-so-playful slap on the arm. 

"I was going to suggest that I go over to investigate, but in light of your new discovery, perhaps you, Spike would like to come along?" Giles looked questioningly at Spike. 

"Whatever happened to those demons I was after?" Spike changed the subject.

"Oh, they sent in a crack team and finished them – but they lost two operatives and the Northern line was out of business for a week!" Giles replied. "How would you feel about another trip to London?" Giles pressed. 

"I'll let you know," answered Spike as he propelled Buffy to the door.

After they got home and had showered, Spike asked Buffy, "How would you feel about a trip to London? We could clear up that unfinished business and maybe have a holiday too. Dawn could come...." 

Buffy smiled as she came and put her arms around him. "I thought you were going to suggest going alone and I was bracing myself for a fight," she replied, kissing him. "A holiday sounds great." 

Giles was perturbed when Spike insisted he, Buffy and Dawn didn't need a hotel for the stay, but made reservations for the flights anyway. Giles had a friend he could stay with while his own flat was opened up again. Dawn was ecstatic when she heard the news. She'd never been abroad, and couldn't believe her luck.

When they arrived at Heathrow, they got in a black cab and Spike gave his Kensington address. He'd managed to keep his financial situation under wraps so far, but he was hoping it would all be a pleasant surprise. He'd sent instructions ahead to Mrs. Atkins, warning her of his changed requirements and the fact that he would not be alone. Giles came up with them to flat 16. Buffy and Dawn walked around with their mouths open; the whole place was so beautiful. Giles took Spike aside while the girls explored and rather irritatedly asked, "Do you have to involve Buffy in your illegal activities? This," he pointed around him, "can hardly be legally acquired." 

Spike looked hurt, as he'd almost become used to being trusted by Giles. "Actually," he answered, "it's pretty nearly legal. It's family money. My brother found a way for me to inherit it which, while not exactly legal, certainly didn't hurt anyone else – except maybe the Government." 

Giles started to say something, thought better of it then said, "Sorry, Spike, not trusting you seems to be a bit of a habit."

Much later, when Giles had left and Dawn was sleeping in her room, Spike explained his situation. Buffy seemed a little surprised that he had all this money available and had chosen to live in a crypt. "It's different when you're a vampire, Spike explained. "You need blood, you like a few extras, but really it's a very simple way of life. It was only when I got my soul back that I lost the taste for helping myself to what I wanted – that's why I came here when I left Sunnydale. But things have changed, I'm human now, and I'm hoping to make some other changes. I plan to have some extra responsibilities from now on, and maybe all this," he pointed around him, "will help. Buffy, I've already promised that I won't leave you again. Now, where I come from, or maybe that should be 'when' I come from, that would be considered a statement of intent." He looked at the ceiling, took a breath and said, "William always had trouble getting to the point! What I'm making a mess of asking is, will you marry me? Not right away, if you want to wait, I mean you're still young and if you want to wait I'll understand and..." Buffy silenced him with a kiss. "Of course I'll marry you, William," she replied.

They spent the first week in London recovering from jet lag and exploring the sights. They visited Buckingham Palace, The Tower of London, the Houses of Parliament and a couple of the bigger museums. They went shopping in Oxford Street and bought gifts for the rest of the gang. Dawn was left with Giles one day while Spike and Buffy visited Hatton Garden to buy an engagement ring. Giles looked embarrassed but pleased when Buffy told him she'd like him to stand in for her father and give her away. They planned a Christmas wedding.

When they met to discuss the Lydia Watkins situation, Giles had some disturbing news. Lydia was dead. Her death had been reported as an accident, but the cause was clearly not natural. Even more disturbing was the fact that the chip was missing. Efforts by the Council to get access to Initiative files on the chip had met with denial that the Initiative had ever existed. For now, they had hit a dead end. Giles made the difficult decision to remain in London when the others returned to Sunnydale. With Lydia gone, they needed another experienced Watcher in London and the Council agreed that with effectively two Slayers in Sunnydale, they could manage without a Watcher for a while.

The day before they were due to fly back, Buffy and Dawn were busy trying to cram all their purchases into the suitcases they'd brought. Spike took the opportunity to speak to Giles privately. "What are you going to do about the Magic Box while you're away?" he asked. 

"I don't know," Giles replied. "I mean, Anya does a lot there, but she can't manage on her own." 

"How would you feel about a business partner?" Spike asked. 

"A business p... What do you have in mind?" Giles questioned.

"Look, Giles, I may have money, but I'll go crazy back there once school starts again. I'm going to need something to do – and I thought, maybe you'd let me buy half the business and keep it going 'til you get back?" 

Giles considered for a moment then said, "Forty-nine percent of the independent valuation – I retain control." Spike smiled and offered his hand to seal the bargain. Giles had learned a lot since he gave up being a librarian.

Later that evening after Giles had left, Buffy sat in the lounge admiring her ring. Dawn was working her way through Spike's music collection and Spike was sitting at a writing desk composing a letter to his solicitor. He was trying to arrange to have his name changed by deed poll back to the original – William Stevas. His newly bleached hair glinted in the light from a table lamp. Buffy thought about Spike and his dual personality. The closer they came to going home, the more of Spike she saw. Not that she was complaining, it was Spike she fell in love with in the first place. Spike had all the confidence, but he shared William's strength of character. William had all the gentleness and she loved that too. In fact, she especially loved the way that gentleness seemed to only be for her and Dawn and was at least partially hidden from the rest of the world. 

She was sad that Giles was staying in London, but he had promised to come over for the wedding, and she found that she was really perfectly content.


End file.
